Lamb of God Unleashes Wrath of Baa-dassery Upon Unsuspecting Fans

Fans of the heavy metal band Lamb of God have been left in a state of shock following their latest show. Reports of the band’s performance have left fans describing the event as “the most extreme experience ever.” The band showed up to the show wearing their signature sheep costumes, complete with wooly jumpsuits and…

ByAccomplished Author20 January 20230Comments

Entertainment

Alleged Rapist Percy Hynes White Has a Tiny Penis, Shocks Fans of Hit Netflix Series Wednesday

Updated story: Percy Hynes White Lubricates Up for Toughest Acting Challenge Yet: Prison Percy Hynes White, the heartthrob star of the hit Netflix series Wednesday, has apparently been hiding a little secret: a microscopic penis. Oh, and he is also allegedly a rapist. According to sources close to the actor, White's manhood is so minuscule…

ByAccomplished Author19 January 20231Comment

Music

Noel and Liam Gallagher Are Setting Aside Their Differences to Help the Local Area Predator Lure Unsuspecting Victims Into a White Van

Liam and Noel Gallagher, two brothers forever at odds, have put their differences aside to help the local area predator lure unsuspecting victims in a white van. The two brothers, known for their legendary feuding, have announced a unique new partnership: a charity project that involves using their famous faces to help unsuspecting victims into…

ByAccomplished Author19 January 20230Comments

Reviews

Christian Pastor Reviews: Paramore’s “This Is Why” is a Testament to Unholy Music

As a proud Christian youth pastor, I must admit that I was not entirely happy to have to review Paramore’s new album, “This Is Why”. After all, the band is known for their rebellious and often blasphemous lyrics. However, I am pleased to say that I was pleasantly surprised with the content of this album.…

ByAccomplished Author19 January 20230Comments

Life & Style

Joe Biden Just Discovered Andrew Tate’s Videos, Now Wants to Be Known as ‘Chad Biden’

Washington D.C. - President Joe Biden has announced that he will now be known as "Chad Biden" after discovering internet personality Andrew Tate's videos on YouTube. "I never knew being a Chad could be so easy," said the newly rebranded President in a press conference. "All I had to do was watch a few of…

ByAccomplished Author19 January 20230Comments

Music

Kids Revert to Prehistoric Times After Listening to CDs

In today's digital age, it can be hard to imagine that a simple CD could profoundly affect people. But a group of researchers at a small university in the Midwest recently conducted an experiment that proved just that. The researchers took a group of children, ages 4-10, and gave each of them a CD of…

ByAccomplished Author19 January 20230Comments

Life & Style

Jackson, Mississippi in the Midst of Water Shortage, Gatorade Steps Up with Generous Offer of 2 Free Bottles per Resident

Residents of Jackson, Mississippi are in the midst of a dire water crisis after floods in August 2022 affected the city's water supply. But fear not, dear citizens, for sports drink giant Gatorade has stepped up to save the day with their most generous offer yet: two free bottles of Gatorade per resident. "We understand…

ByAccomplished Author18 January 20230Comments

Quizes

Quiz: Are You a St Anger or a Ride the Lightning Snare Drum? Find Out Now!

Do you often feel like you’re out of sync with the rest of the world, like you’re not quite the same as everyone else? Are you a Metallica fan? If so, you may be wondering what type of Metallica snare drum you are. Well, wonder no more! Take our quiz and find out if you’re…

ByAccomplished Author18 January 20230Comments

Life & Style

Andrew Tate Gives Romanian Prison 1 Star On Yelp, Citing ‘Lackluster Accommodations’

Andrew Tate, the notorious self-made millionaire and world-renowned socialite, has issued a scathing one-star review on Yelp for a Romanian prison. "I expected a lot more from this place," said Tate, shaking his head in dismay. "The accommodations were simply lackluster. Dirty walls, a distinct lack of amenities, and the overall atmosphere was oppressive. Not…

ByAccomplished Author18 January 20230Comments

Music

Cult Initiation Through the Mail: Welcome to Doomsday Music

We've all heard about those strange cults that make their members wear strange robes and dance around campfires chanting strange incantations. But who knew that you could become a member of one of these cults just by opening your mailbox? That's exactly what happened to us. Last week, a suspicious-looking CD was delivered to our…

ByAccomplished Author18 January 20230Comments