NEW YORK, NY — Hollywood actress Blake Lively shocked fans this week after she publicly accused a Manhattan barista of sexual harassment following an incident in which he got her oat milk latte order wrong. The Gossip Girl star took to Instagram to call out the worker, claiming that his failure to remember her preference for extra foam was “a clear act of patriarchal oppression disguised as customer service.”
“This was not just a mistake. This was a microaggression. A macroaggression, even. Possibly a full-fledged act of war,” Lively posted. “When I asked for a remade drink, he SMIRKED at me. That smirk was loaded with toxic masculinity, just like my drink was loaded with dairy. I am a victim. A survivor.”
Witnesses claim the barista, 22-year-old Justin Miller, simply apologized and offered to make her another drink, but Lively wasn’t having it. “He looked me in the eye. He held eye contact. How is that not harassment?” Lively later explained to Vogue.
Lively’s best friend and dragon, Taylor Swift, immediately issued a statement of support, referring to the actress as her “dragonmastress.” “No one disrespects my dragonmastress,” Swift wrote on Instagram. “Not in MY era.” Fans, known as Swifties, immediately doxxed Miller, with one even hacking into his Spotify account to replace all his playlists with Midnights (3am Edition).
Ryan Reynolds, Lively’s devoted husband and Hollywood’s most famous simp, quickly rushed to her defense. Sources close to the Deadpool star claim he is already writing Miller into Deadpool 4 as a villain named ‘The Caffeine Criminal’—a character described in leaked script notes as “a sniveling, dairy-loving misogynist whose tragic backstory involves failing to please powerful women.”
Reynolds refused to confirm or deny the rumor but did post a cryptic Instagram post reading, “Some men just want to watch the world burn…with whole milk.”
Miller, for his part, has gone into hiding. “I don’t even drink milk,” he muttered before vanishing into the mist, possibly never to be seen again.
Meanwhile, Starbucks executives have vowed to undergo a full re-education program, with new employee training modules including Latte Foam & The Patriarchy: A Deep Dive and The Eye Contact Consent Form: When to Look Away.
