In what can only be described as an audacious pivot from her roots, Taylor Swift’s latest album, “Tortured Poets Department,” releasing on April 19, 2024, cements her status as the Shakespeare of break-up anthems with a twist. Swift, who has notoriously dated everyone from British actors to your average Joe with an above-average sneaker collection, now sets her sights on a new conquest: the tortured poet.
1. “Fortnight” (feat. Post Malone) Swift and Malone take us on an unexpected journey into the heart of gaming despair with “Fortnight,” a song that blurs the lines between virtual battlegrounds and the battlefield of love. With Malone crooning, “Lost in the storm, she’s my med kit,” and Swift’s retort, “But when the screen lights up, I’m just another loot drop,” listeners are treated to a duet that’s part love song, part gamer’s lament. It’s an anthem for anyone who’s ever been second to a high score, proving once and for all that the only thing harder than winning a Victory Royale is keeping Taylor Swift’s attention when you’re trying to.
2. “The Tortured Poets Department” The title track, “The Tortured Poets Department,” sees Swift donning her beret and turtleneck, delving deep into the pretentious. With lyrics like, “In the cafe of my heart, your verse was always art,” Swift attempts to elevate the conversation to something more intellectually stimulating than her usual fare. But the real gem comes in the form of, “Your metaphors for love, they leave me kind of bored,” a line so meta it might just require a PhD in Swiftology to fully appreciate. This track is a monument to every love affair that was too profound for Instagram captions but not quite profound enough for a second date.
3. “My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys” In a haunting ballad that swings between melancholy and sheer passive-aggressiveness, Swift reflects on the ephemeral nature of her relationships with the kind of men who treat hearts like disposable toys. “My boy, he plays for keeps, till he forgets in his sleep,” she sings, capturing the fragility of modern love with the finesse of a sledgehammer. The bridge, “He told me I was precious, yet he loses me in sheets,” is delivered with such devastating simplicity that it’s bound to resonate with anyone who’s ever felt like they were more of an accessory than a partner in their relationship.
4. “Down Bad” Swift takes us into the depths of dating despair with “Down Bad,” an anthem for anyone who’s ever found themselves romantically entangled with a partner whose most promising asset is their extensive collection of vintage band t-shirts. Swift sings, “He’s got dreams, but no drive, living off that 9 to 5,” painting a vivid picture of a love interest who’s more invested in his fantasy football league than in future plans.
5. “So Long, London” A farewell to a city (and an unnamed British beau), with enough rain metaphors to make you think you’re drowning. “London called, but I let it go to voicemail,” Swift declares, showcasing her unparalleled ability to mix heartbreak with mild telecommunications humor.
6. “But Daddy I Love Him” A country-pop fusion that tackles the age-old drama of forbidden love, specifically the kind that involves a boyfriend with more tattoos than job prospects. Swift’s fatherly advice? “He’s got a record, but it’s not vinyl,” proving once more that Swift is the undisputed queen of dad jokes.
7. “Fresh Out the Slammer” Swift goes full outlaw in this track, romanticizing the bad-boy appeal with such convincing fervor you’d think she’s planning to spring her next beau from Alcatraz. The chorus, “He’s got handcuffs, but I’ve got the key,” might just be the most Taylor Swift lyric ever written.
8. “Florida!!!” (feat. Florence + the Machine) In a collaboration no one saw coming, “Florida!!!” combines Swift’s narrative songwriting with Florence Welch’s ethereal vocals to paint a picture of a love so humid, it could only bloom in the Sunshine State. It’s a hurricane of emotions, with a chance of thunderstorms. “Caught in the storm of your love,” they sing, making us all want to evacuate to higher ground.
9. “Guilty as Sin?” Swift turns the courtroom drama of her love life into a pop ballad, complete with a gavel sound effect that’s bound to be the next big TikTok trend. “Was it a crime to love too much?” she asks, to which the jury of her fans unanimously finds her not guilty by reason of catchiness.
10. “Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?” A rhetorical question posed to the echo chamber, as Swift explores the fearsome power of her public image over a surprisingly upbeat melody. It’s like if “Look What You Made Me Do” had a baby with “I’m a Little Teapot.” With lyrics like, “I’m the big bad wolf, but I’m dressed in sheep’s clothing,” she turns the narrative on its head, wearing her infamy like a badge of honor.
11. “I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)” A soulful dive into the martyr complex, this track has Swift vowing to change the man who thinks therapy is just a new bar downtown. “I’m a mechanic of the heart,” she claims, wrench in hand, ready to tighten some emotional bolts.
12. “loml” An acronym for “love of my life,” this song explores Swift’s relationship with her truest love: her cat. In a twist that shocked no one, it turns out the most stable relationship Taylor has is with a creature that sleeps 16 hours a day. This track is Swift at her most vulnerable and cryptic. “You’re the loml, even if you don’t DM me back,” she confesses, blending modern love woes with classic Swiftian angst.
13. “I Can Do It With A Broken Heart” Here, Swift delivers an empowering anthem for doing just about everything post-breakup, except moving on. Swift asserts, from grocery shopping to Pilates, “I can do it all, just sometimes in the dark.“
14. “The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived” Not so much a song as a public service announcement, Swift warns against the dangers of dating men with Napoleon complexes. “He might reach for the stars, but he can’t reach the top shelf,” she observes, in a melody that’s as catchy as it is cautionary.
15. “The Alchemy” Swift tries her hand at witchcraft in “The Alchemy,” attempting to turn base metals into gold, or in her case, ex-boyfriends into hit songs. Spoiler alert: she succeeds, yet again. “I’m the alchemy of agony,” she declares in what might be the most Taylor Swift line ever written.
16. “Clara Bow” The album closes with a tribute to the silent film star, a nod to Swift’s own desire to sometimes just be seen and not heard—unless, of course, she’s singing about it.
In “Tortured Poets Department,” Taylor Swift has crafted an album that’s as bewildering as it is bewitching. It’s a rollercoaster ride through a museum of modern heartbreak, with Swift as both the curator and the main exhibit. Whether you’re here for the poetry or just the spectacle, one thing’s for certain: Swift knows how to turn even the most tortured metaphors into pop gold.
10 London Boys out of 10
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