Wilmington, DE – In a move that can only be described as both ingenious and terrifying, President Joe Biden has taken his dedication to serving the American people to a whole new level. Today, the White House announced the launch of a new sex toy, dubbed the “Bidenator,” in an effort to “vibrate” the American public back to life.
The Bidenator said to be “the ultimate stimulation device,” is set to hit shelves in the coming weeks and is expected to be a massive hit among the American populace. The vibrator, which comes in two sizes – “Regular Joe” and “Uncle Joe” – is said to feature an innovative “whisper-quiet” motor, ensuring that the only thing people will be hearing during their intimate moments is their own moans of pleasure.
However, not everyone is thrilled with this latest initiative from the Biden administration. Critics have taken to social media, calling the Bidenator a “monumental fuck” to the American people. “How can we trust a president who fuck’s us not just figuratively, but now literally?” demanded one disgruntled citizen.
But let’s not kid ourselves. While the Bidenator may be a new and shocking development, it’s just the latest in a long line of public fucking from the Biden administration. From the endless debates about the infrastructure bill to the ongoing crisis at the border, it seems like the President is determined to stick his metaphorical penis into every aspect of our lives.
But perhaps the most absurd aspect of this whole debacle is the level of detail that has gone into the design of the Bidenator. According to anonymous sources within the White House, the vibrator has been specifically engineered to mimic the sensation of being “stroked” by none other than the President himself. This includes a “soft and squishy” outer layer, designed to replicate the texture of Biden’s hair, as well as a “firm yet surprisingly agile” inner core, modeled after the President’s signature gait.
When reached for comment, White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki defended the administration’s decision to enter the vibrator market, stating that “the Bidenator is simply an extension of our commitment to providing the American people with the best possible sexual experience. After all, who doesn’t want to be able to say they’ve been ‘satisfied’ by the President?”
In an unexpected twist, it has now been revealed that the Biden administration is planning to launch a line of Biden-themed condoms, aptly named “Uncle Joe’s Rubbers.” While it remains to be seen whether these new products will lead to a resurgence in American sexual activity, one thing is certain: Joe Biden will continue to fuck the American public in any way he can, whether that’s through policy, public appearances, or even via a vibrating sex toy.
