In a world where a massive, glowing corporate emblem has replaced the sun, and the air we breathe is as thick and viscous as a freshly served pumpkin spice latte, there’s one shining beacon of hope that’s lighting up our lives: Taylor Swift’s Eras tour. Yes, you read that right, the secret fossil fuel orgy that’s saving the world.
You might be wondering how in the name of all things holy can a pop superstar’s tour be the saving grace of a dying industry? Well, strap yourself in, because I’m about to blow your fucking mind.
Taylor Swift, the queen of reinvention, has made a name for herself by churning out hit after hit, each with its own unique sound, style, and artistic direction. But what most people don’t know is that each new era of Swift’s music is secretly funded by the world’s largest fossil fuel companies. You heard that right: the same people who are single-handedly destroying the planet are also responsible for ensuring that Taylor Swift’s music is as fresh and new as a crisp, never-before-listened-to album.
So, how did this unholy alliance between pop music and fossil fuels come to be? It started in the early 2000s when Taylor Swift was a budding country music sensation. You see, the fossil fuel industry desperately needed a way to improve its public image. They were tired of being vilified by the masses for their role in global warming, and they knew that they needed a powerful ally to help them turn the tide of public opinion.
Enter Taylor Swift. With her sweet, innocent, and entirely relatable image, she was the perfect pawn for the fossil fuel industry to manipulate. They approached her with a simple proposition: “We’ll fund your music career, and in return, you’ll help us spread the good word about the importance of fossil fuels.“
Now, you might think, “How could Taylor Swift, a seemingly intelligent and compassionate human being, fall for such a blatantly corrupt scheme?” Well, it’s quite simple. She was young, ambitious, and utterly naïve. She saw the potential for fame and fortune and was willing to do whatever it took to achieve it.
So, she signed on the dotted line, and the rest is history. Taylor Swift’s career took off like a wildfire in a dry forest, fueled by the seemingly endless supply of money and resources from the fossil fuel industry. With each new era of music, she continued to spread the pro-fossil fuel message, often in the most subtle and subversive ways possible.
Take, for example, her 2014 album “1989.” On the surface, it was a collection of catchy, upbeat pop songs that were perfect for dancing and singing along to. But, if you listen closely, you can hear the faint whispers of the fossil fuel industry’s influence. Songs like “Shake It Off” and “Blank Space” are filled with references to the power and importance of fossil fuels, often hidden in plain sight within the lyrics.
I mean, read these lyrics for Taylor Swift’s first draft of ‘All You Had To Do Was Stay’:
This love was deep, it was strong
All You Had To Do Was Stay (initial draft lyrics)
But I’ll keep drilling, I won’t move on
‘Cause all you had to do was stay
And let the fossil fuels play
I
They sound like the words of a woman who’s in deep with fossil fuel companies.
But it’s not just the music that’s been tainted by the influence of the fossil fuel industry. No, they’ve managed to infiltrate every aspect of Taylor Swift’s Eras tour, from the stage design to the transportation of the massive amount of equipment needed to put on such a massive spectacle.
Take, for example, the stage design for the Eras tour. It’s an elaborate, multi-level structure covered in glittering, iridescent materials designed to reflect and amplify the stage lights. But did you know those materials are made from a special, proprietary blend of polymers derived from petroleum? That’s right, the same fossil fuel that’s responsible for the destruction of our planet is also the key ingredient in Taylor Swift’s stage design.
And let’s not forget about the transportation of the massive amount of equipment needed to put on such a massive spectacle. The tour’s logistics are managed by a team of highly skilled professionals who coordinate the transportation of large, unwieldy loads. But did you know that most of those loads are transported by diesel-guzzling trucks and buses? That’s right, the fossil fuel industry is not only funding Taylor Swift’s tour, but they’re also profiting from the tour’s massive carbon footprint.
So, the next time you’re rocking out to Taylor Swift’s latest hit, remember that you’re not just listening to a catchy pop song. No, you’re also helping to fund the very industry that’s responsible for the destruction of our planet. And if that doesn’t make you want to throw your hands up in the air and scream “Fuck this fucking world!” then I don’t know what will.
But, hey, at least we’ve got Taylor Swift’s Eras tour to help us forget about the looming apocalypse, right? Who needs clean air and water when you can have a night of unbridled, fossil fuel-funded pop music?
So, buy your tickets to the Eras tour and revel in the fleeting joy it brings. Just remember, when the lights go out and the last note fades away, you’ll still be left with a world irreparably damaged by the industry that helped make it all possible.
But, hey, at least you’ll have a really fucking good time while it lasts.
