In the race against COVID-19, everyone needs a shake-up to the monotonous drag of daily life. So, grab your cowboy boots and kitten calendars because our intercontinental sweet-pie, Taylor Swift, is charged up, vaccinated, and ready to bring the sparkle and the Pfizer right to your doorstep on her new “Cntrl, Alt, Vax” tour.
Yes, dear fans, your monotonous quarantine life is about to get a new soundtrack. The ‘Cardigan’ singer-songwriter plans on jabbing you into safety, all the while slaying that high C-note, proving she’s not only gorgeous in red, but in latex gloves too.
“Swifties, your pain isn’t only understood, it’s about to be immunized,” announced Taylor in a recent Instagram live, where the pop princess glazed her elbows in a fresh sheen of sanitizer. “And for those who aren’t swift enough to mask up, Mama’s got you covered.“
The crowd’s excitement was palpable, much like the fear before a needle. Phil McQuirk, a self-acclaimed ‘Swiftologist,’ says, “I’d take a bullet for Taylor, so a needle, hell yes! Puncture me, T-Swizzle!“
Public health officials from the Federal Disease Dodging Agency (FDDA), not to be mistaken for their less fashionable cousins, the FDA, are voicing their staunch support. Dr. Fauci’s elegant twin, Dr. Fauxci from FDDA, weighed in saying, “This is going to stick the right kind of needle into the bubble of vaccine hesitancy in a way that the CDC’s mixtapes never could.“
In trade-off for keeping her concert COVID-free, ‘Taylor the Inoculator’ will grace her fans with all-time hits, such as “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, Unless You’re Vaccinated” and “Teardrops on My Diagnosis Card.”
The tour’s scalpers are professionals, of course. Nurse-track medical students doubling as merch peddlers will offer merch items – commemorative vaccine cards, syringes with stars, signed Band-aids — innovative, isn’t it?
One cannot ignore how Swift’s audacious plan has split public opinion. Mayor Anastasia Wi-Fino said, “Swift’s genius move isn’t just a potential swing on the pandemic curve but a significant upgrade to our city’s average singing ability too.” Meanwhilst, critics argue that the pop songstress-turned-public health avenger is just another celebrity capitalizing off of Covid-mania, others argue that the only thing hotter than a Swift concert is an America with herd immunity.
So, as we prepare ourselves for this unorthodox ride on Swift’s “Vaxi cab”, let’s remember that a surprise Taylor visit could be just a pinprick away. And if there’s anything that 2020 taught us, it’s that stranger things have happened.
Furthermore, as Swift herself posted to her 150 million Instagram followers, “Ready for it? ‘Cus darling, I was a damn needle when we first met.” Indeed, Tay, indeed! Here’s to feeling 22 (dosages) and fearless (of the Coronavirus). You keep strumming, we’ll keep thumping.