Washington D.C. – Just when you thought President Joe Biden’s sleepy image couldn’t get any sleepier, he proves us all wrong with a revolutionary new purchase. In a daring move on par with the Louisiana Purchase, our president has put down cold hard cash for the latest sleep technology: a brand-new pillow.
As the nation gasps and world leaders scramble to readjust their sleep schedules, one can’t help but wonder what drove our commander-in-chief down the path of pillow excellence. Could it be his forward-thinking commitment to innovation or simply the fact that cognitive decline is a bedtime story he’s tired of hearing?
White House insiders, speaking anonymously, revealed the pillow in question came from “Bedstuff Galore!” – a luxury pillow boutique known for catering to the whims of the one per cent. To ensure utmost comfort, each pillow is hand-stitched from free-roaming pillow geese, whose comfort levels are reportedly off the charts.
Astonishingly, President Biden’s decision to upgrade his sleep surface comes amidst a critical time in his presidency. Sources familiar with his waking moments suggest tensions with adversaries abroad, the nation’s economic outlook, and the ongoing battle with climate change all took a backseat to his quest for the perfect pillow.
But the sleep accessory doesn’t just have geopolitical implications; it could be the linchpin to revitalizing President Biden’s mental acuity. Former White House sleep therapist, Dr Yawna DeVille, weighed in on the matter, stating, “To boost cognitive performance, you need to optimize sleep. In layman’s terms, a pillow with the perfect balance of fluffiness and support could be the key to unlocking all of our nation’s secrets. Or, at the very least, it could remind Joe where he left his car keys.“
In a display of foresight that shocked the fashion industry, Eileen Nappigan, CEO of Bedstuff Galore!, expressed her enthusiasm for the presidential purchase. “We knew Joe Biden was serious about sleep, but to see him commit to the finest pillow in our collection…it’s truly an honor. The ‘Lullaby Command’ is a premium goose down masterpiece designed to provide the luxury of sweet repose for world leaders seeking pillow revolution.“
Critics note the pillow’s staggering price tag – a jaw-dropping $2,100 – and question its implications for income inequality. Should we be concerned that our country’s leader rests his head on a pile of money?
Yet as the sensational news reverberates through every walk of American society, we must consider the facts: Joe Biden is indeed sleeping on a pillow, and that pillow may or may not influence the course of human history. As the public comes to grips with this monumental development, one thing remains clear: when it comes to cutting-edge political satire, there’s no need to sleep on the job.
