Fresh on the heels of Meta’s latest leap into the Twitter-bloodbath with its Threads app, LinkedIn, the networking platform that pleases exactly no one, has unveiled its revolutionary (and not at all derivative) microblogging platform, Chirpy.
Don’t be fooled by the chirpy bird name or 280-character limit; this is a completely new idea, swears Lloyd Kensington Von Mumbleford III, LinkedIn’s Chief Strategy Officer and part-time dungeon-themed mini-golf course constructor-extraordinaire.
“Chirpy is an entirely new and unique platform,” he confidently flicked off invisible lint from his bespoke Savile Row suit. “It’s about giving professionals the opportunity to remotely scream generalized business jargon into the face of every other professional with internet access.”
When you’re not awkwardly faking congratulations on Jon from Accounting’s decade-old work anniversary, prepare yourself for a wholesome barrage of “thought leadership” in the form of CEO self-congratulation sagas, meticulously detailed inspirational routines, and a storm of reposted memes “fresh” from Reddit – all kindly curated by your former work acquaintances.
Anthropologist and part-time potato chip sculpture artist Sarah Thesaurus, says, “We were in dire need of more platforms to scrutinize Steve’s obsession with attributing everything to Steve Jobs. Because clearly, we haven’t explored that to death in every other digital corner.“
To justify its uncanny similarity to Twitter, LinkedIn’s freshly minted Marketing Head, Rita Fearmonger, introduced a groundbreaking feature, called “Pro-Feed” on Chirpy. “Here, only posts that really matter will be shown. Like inspirational TED-Talk-like narratives from CEOs, high-powered bosses congratulating themselves on things that are part of their job, or motivational quotes underscoring the importance of meditation before you virtually backstab your co-worker.”
The overly cheerful “Innovation Team” at Institution of Internet Integrity (III), an entity as genuine and useful as LinkedIn’s much-regaled “skills endorsements”, responded to Chirpy’s launch saying, “It’s like someone threw a business-speak dictionary into a blender, and then splattered the chunks onto a social media canvas. Just inspirational!“
So, world, are you ready for Chirpy? Are you prepared for an even larger influx of professionals stating the profound, like, “Smiles are free, but they are worth a lot,” while endorsing each other for skills you didn’t know existed, such as ‘Innovative Innovation’?
Probably not, but then again, did you need LinkedIn in the first place? It’s incomprehensible, it’s unimaginative, and it’s here to stay. Chirpy: Putting the ‘IT’ back in ‘TwITter.’
