In a world where pop music is the new gold standard, America’s sweetheart Taylor Swift is now the unofficial poster child for economic prosperity. The Federal Reserve, a body that typically grapples with inflation rates and monetary policy, has shockingly announced that Swift’s current “Eras Tour” is giving the U.S. economy a significant boost.
In a press release that had many of us double-checking the URL to make sure we weren’t on a fan site, the Fed stated, “We can now confirm that Swift’s concerts are having a beneficial impact on the American economy that eclipses our wildest projections.”
The release went on to detail how each city graced by Swift’s presence has seen local businesses – from the humble hot dog vendor to the lavish five-star hotels – enjoying an unprecedented uptick in their revenues. Even Joe’s Crab Shack in Boise, Idaho, reported a 300% increase in sales the night Swift rocked the city.
However, the Fed’s adoration for our Pop Princess has left several cities cruelly snubbed from the tour’s itinerary, feeling a little less than enchanted. These so-called ‘Non-Tour Cities’ are bracing themselves for potential economic downturns and are ready to point fingers.
Mayor of Non-Tour City, Scranton, Pennsylvania, Linda McAllister, offered a colorful analogy during a press conference, “It’s like being on a ship that’s sinking, and Taylor Swift is the only one with a lifeboat. But instead of saving us, she’s off having a party with other cities.“
This fear has led to what some are dubbing the “Swift Effect,” with numerous Non-Tour Cities already preparing to blame any potential economic misfortune on the lack of Swift-induced revenue. A town in Montana has even commissioned a 10-foot tall Scapegoat Statue of Swift, just waiting for the day their economy takes a dip so they can officially blame her.
In a fascinating twist, the Swift Effect has also fueled an underground black market for Swift concert memorabilia. Non-Tour City residents have started paying ludicrous sums for anything from Swift’s half-eaten sandwiches to her discarded water bottles, hoping that these items might magically improve their city’s economic outlook.
In the midst of this chaos, Swift’s publicist responded with a tongue-in-cheek statement, “We always knew Taylor was magical, but controlling the economy is a new one for us. She’s considering adding ‘Economic Savior’ to her resume, right after ‘Pop Icon’ and ‘Cat Mom’.“
In a world where the absurd is now the norm, it seems everyone is waiting for Swift to strum the economy back to health with her guitar. As for the Non-Tour Cities, we can only hope that Swift takes pity on them and sends her economic fairy dust their way. Or, at the very least, some leftover concert confetti.
