You might want to sit down for this one because an earth-shattering crack has just split the fabric of our nation: beloved former reality TV star, KFC lover, and former president, Donald J. Trump, has been arrested. No, you didn’t misread that – he’s actually been held. Accountable. For something. It’s a devastating day for those who long for the unreachable bygone dream of extrajudicial presidential privilege, which we all know is the cornerstone of any successful democracy.
The shocking arrest has sent waves of terror through patriotic circles, causing many to question the very foundation of our great nation: if a former president can be taken down for something as insignificant as breaking the law, what’s next? Will they come for our bald eagles? Ban apple pie-flavored vape juice? Slap cuffs on Uncle Sam’s star-spangled wrists for illegal fireworks?
Make no mistake; this is a catastrophic “where-the-fuck-were-you-when-it-happened” moment in U.S. history. A president being held accountable for criminal behavior is the justice system equivalent of an inverted mullet: party in the front, sheer terror in the back. And under these newfangled handcuff-happy “standards,” no president, past, present, or future, is safe.
Sure, a president’s job is to uphold the Constitution, but they’re also supposed to have some semblance of immunity, right? It’s like winning a “Get Out of Jail Free” card in Monopoly – only this card should be expected when elected. Has anyone ever stopped to wonder why Mount Rushmore never carved in those shackles around Teddy’s wrists?
Now I know what some pinkos will say: “But shouldn’t fairness and the rule of law be applied to everyone, even former presidents?” To which I reply, “Justice for thee, not for me!” What kind of backwards, funhouse-mirror America would we live in if everyone were treated equally? JFK would have been indicted for high treason if Marilyn Monroe weren’t just sitting there.
Yes, Trump’s arrest has set a dangerous precedent for the future. Imagine a world where future presidential hopefuls can’t look forward to a retirement littered with golf, book deals, and the sweet solace of crimes swept under the rug. What kind of candidates will we attract then? Honest, clean-cut, law-abiding do-gooders who are more focused on creating policy than evading prosecution? The horror!
And so, we must mourn. Today we aren’t just faced with the tragic image of a dishevelled, orange-tinted former president in cuffs. No. Today, Lady Justice dropped her scales, picked up her rusty sword, and gutted our fucking dreams.