In an announcement that surprised no one, Elon Musk revealed that his latest invention, a death beam satellite, is almost complete. But fear not. The billionaire inventor and Twitter CEO reassured the public that the satellite will not be used to silence competitors or crush worker unionization.
Phew!
In development for several years, the death beam satellite can shoot a concentrated energy beam that instantly vaporizes anything in its path. According to Musk, the satellite will be used for “peaceful purposes only,” such as defending the Earth from potential asteroid impacts and providing free Wi-Fi to remote areas.
“Let me be clear, this satellite is not a weapon,” Musk said during a press conference. “It’s just a really cool, high-tech way of delivering internet access and ensuring the safety of our planet. Any rumors to the contrary are completely unfounded.“
Of course, some skeptics remain unconvinced. After all, this is the same man who launched a car into space for no apparent reason and named his child after a WiFi password. But Musk insists that the death beam satellite is nothing to worry about.
“I understand that some people may be wary of this technology, given its potential to cause massive destruction,” Musk said. “But trust me, I have no intention of using it for evil. I mean, why would I want to silence my competitors or crush worker unionization when I can just pay my employees in stock options and call it a day?“
Despite Musk’s assurances, many call for greater regulation of the billionaire’s activities. Some have even called for the government to step in and take control of the death beam satellite to ensure that it is used only for peaceful purposes.
But for now, Musk is moving ahead with his plans, with the death beam satellite expected to launch later this year. So if you see a bright beam of light shooting down from the sky, don’t panic. It’s probably just Elon Musk trying to give you better internet access.