Washington, D.C. – Senator Ted Cruz can finally breathe a sigh of relief as Donald Trump’s recent New York indictment rumors have captured the nation’s attention, allowing the persistent claims that Cruz is the infamous Zodiac Killer to fade into the background temporarily. Now, the embattled senator can fully focus on his favorite pastime: finding victims… of his insatiable late-night snack attacks.
Cruz, who has long been dogged by the conspiracy theory linking him to the still-unidentified serial murderer from the late 1960s and early 1970s, took to Twitter to express his gratitude: “Thank you, Trump! Finally, the fake news media can stop obsessing over me and let me get back to what I do best – prowling the halls of Congress for the perfect vending machine snack.“
Now, Cruz can fully devote himself to the noble pursuit of finding the perfect combination of salty, sweet, and savory treats to satisfy his ravenous hunger, unencumbered by allegations that he’s a cold-blooded killer. The senator’s office has announced a new initiative to rank every vending machine in the Capitol building as part of Cruz’s ongoing mission to serve the American people.
“I’m committed to identifying the best vending machines in Congress,” Cruz said in a recent press conference. “My constituents deserve nothing less than the finest in snacking options. And let’s be honest, it’s a great distraction from those Zodiac Killer rumors, am I right?“
As the nation’s focus remains fixed on Trump and his latest scandal, Cruz can continue to indulge in his vending machine crusade, free from the constraints of serial killer accusations – at least for now.
