New York, NY – Former President Donald Trump has been indicted by New York District Attorney Alvin Bragg for the heinous crime of leaving the toilet seat up in 2017. No stone has been left unturned in the quest for justice, and even the most intimate corners of Trump’s life are being scrutinized.
The indictment, filed earlier this week, alleges that Trump “did knowingly and willfully elevate the toilet seat within his Trump Tower residence, causing undue emotional distress, inconvenience, and a heightened risk of unscheduled aquatic plunges to innocent parties.” The aggrieved party, whose identity remains undisclosed, claims to have suffered years of therapy and a persistent fear of porcelain due to the incident.
Never one to shy away from controversy, Trump took to Truth Social to defend himself: “Fake news! I always leave the seat down, folks. Believe me, nobody respects toilets more than me. Sad!“
Legal experts are baffled by the unprecedented charges, with many wondering if this is the first step toward a slippery slope of criminalizing common household faux pas. Nevertheless, District Attorney Bragg remains steadfast in his decision to pursue the case, stating, “No one is above the law, not even a former president. New Yorkers demand justice for this egregious breach of restroom etiquette.“
As the trial date looms, the city is divided between those who applaud Bragg’s dogged pursuit of justice and those who see it as a waste of taxpayer dollars. Meanwhile, toilet seat manufacturers are experiencing a sudden surge in sales as anxious New Yorkers rush to install self-closing models in their homes, lest they, too, find themselves on the wrong side of the law.
In a bold move, the defense team has enlisted the expertise of renowned forensic plumber Dr John Crapper III, who will undoubtedly bring cutting-edge toilet science into the courtroom. While the trial’s outcome is uncertain, one thing is clear: the world will watch with bated breath as this pivotal case unfolds, forever altering the landscape of American jurisprudence and bathroom habits.
