New York, NY – In a masterful display of political maneuvering, former President Donald Trump has seized control of the New York Police Department, effectively transforming the city into his own personal playground. The move comes hot on the heels of news that the New York District Attorney was planning to indict Trump for hush money payments made to Stormy Daniels in 2016.
As New Yorkers awoke this morning, they were greeted with the sight of their finest – now clad in luxurious gold-plated uniforms, replete with “Make New York Great Again” caps. The city’s traffic police, once notorious for their ticketing zeal, have now been repurposed into a veritable army of red carpet layers and umbrella holders. But fear not, New Yorkers, for this unprecedented regime change is brought to you by none other than the master of The Art of the Deal himself.
“I’ve always said, New York is a tremendous city,” Trump said, addressing the newly minted Trump City Police (TCP) from his penthouse throne. “They need the best, and who’s better than me? I’m going to make New York so great, you won’t even recognize it. It’s going to be big folk’s.“
In an astonishing display of loyalty, the entire NYPD force has sworn a solemn vow to “protect and serve” their new commander-in-chief, and has already begun enforcing a series of Trump-centric mandates. These include mandatory gold fixtures in all apartment buildings, a city-wide ban on the color blue, and the immediate construction of a 50-foot tall statue of Trump in Central Park. And in a move that truly embodies the spirit of Trumpian innovation, the former president has announced the creation of the “Fifth Avenue Gun Emporium,” where residents can now purchase a firearm as easily as grabbing a bagel.
But how exactly did Trump manage to wrest control of New York’s finest from the hands of the city’s elected officials? According to a highly placed source within the TCP, who spoke on condition of anonymity, “It was simple, really. He just walked into headquarters, slapped a copy of The Art of the Deal on the table, and said, ‘You guys need a real leader. You’re welcome.’“
As New Yorkers grapple with their new reality, one thing is clear: the streets of the city that never sleeps are now under the watchful eye of the man who once claimed he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose any voters. And with the New York DA’s office now conveniently staffed with Trump-appointed prosecutors, it’s safe to say that the former president’s legal troubles have been swept under a gold-plated rug.
In the meantime, New Yorkers can take comfort in knowing that their city is in the hands of a man with a proven track record of success. After all, if there’s one thing Trump knows how to do, it’s run things.
