NEW YORK, NY - Tosin Abasi, the enigmatic and suave motherfucker from the progressive metal band Animals As Leaders, has finally revealed his secret to achieving musical success. For years, Abasi has been hailed as a guitar virtuoso, with his intricate finger-tapping technique and unparalleled creativity setting him apart from his peers. But the real…

Tosin Abasi, the world-renowned virtuoso guitarist, was shocked after a rare species of beetle laid eggs inside his brain. The eggs are expected to hatch soon, and Abasi is uncertain about what to expect. "I've been playing guitar for many years, and nothing like this has ever happened," the bewildered musician said. "I don't know…