Government Officials Now Probing Cryptocurrency Investors’ Buttholes!

In a bold move to reel in those who have profited from the recent surge in cryptocurrency prices, the IRS has announced a new policy that requires all Bitcoin investors to bend over and spread their legs. This directive is part of an effort to take a more hands-on approach to ensuring that the government…

ByAccomplished Author1 March 20240Comments

Life & Style

Elon Musk Finds Gem-Encrypted Dogecoin Mine, Raises the Stakes in Meme Economy!

Cupertino, CA – Tech billionaire and part-time Martian hopeful Elon Musk has once again shocked the world as he announces the unearthing of a one-of-a-kind Dogecoin Emerald mine. Now, that's a load of gem-and-cryptocurrency-infused banter we can all take a shine to! It all started when Musk, the real-life Iron Man with a wacky sense…

ByAccomplished Author13 April 20230Comments

Science & Technology

Bitcoin Plunges to Unseen Depths, Hodlers Insist It’s Just Practicing Limbo for the Afterparty!

As the price of Bitcoin, the digital currency that's one power outage away from oblivion, spirals downward into the abyss of financial despair, its most passionate admirers – the hodlers – stand firm in their conviction that everything is just peachy. They argue that the plummeting value is simply Bitcoin's way of limbering up before…

ByAccomplished Author3 April 20230Comments

Life & Style

Safemoon’s Cryptocurrency Liquidity Pool Hacked: Security Experts Agree – Not Safe, Not Moon

New York, NY – Panic and bewilderment gripped the cryptocurrency world as Safemoon, the so-called "safest" cryptocurrency on the market, was subjected to a hack of astronomical proportions. In a move that surprised absolutely no one but the die-hard fans, the crypto's liquidity pool was drained faster than a discount-brand kiddie pool at a dog…

ByAccomplished Author31 March 20230Comments

Science & Technology

CFTC Slaps Binance with Lawsuit: CZ Defiantly Proclaims ‘Funds SAFU’ While Boarding Jet with Suitcases of Cold Wallets

Bahamas – The Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC) has filed a lawsuit against Binance and its CEO, Changpeng Zhao (CZ), accusing them of willfully evading U.S. laws and offering unregistered crypto derivatives products. In response, CZ has taken an unorthodox approach to reassure users of their funds' safety: boarding his private jet with suitcases stuffed…

ByAccomplished Author28 March 20230Comments

Science & Technology

The Crypto-CEO Life: Binance Pauses Trading While CZ Jets Off with Suitcases of Cash

In a move that has both cryptocurrency enthusiasts and skeptics shaking their heads in disbelief, Binance, the world's largest cryptocurrency exchange, has temporarily suspended trading. But don't panic, dear readers! It turns out that the unexpected shutdown is simply due to CEO Changpeng Zhao, aka CZ, taking a much-needed and well-deserved vacation. Coincidentally, CZ was…

ByAccomplished Author25 March 20230Comments

Opinion

I Put My $5 Million Life Savings into Silicon Valley Bank – Here’s What Happened

Silicon Valley, CA - As someone who's always been passionate about investing, I knew I had to put my $5 million worth of life savings into a bank that was both trustworthy and reliable. So, naturally, I chose Silicon Valley Bank. Not only did it seem like the perfect place to entrust my hard-earned cash,…

ByAccomplished Author13 March 20230Comments

Business

Binance CEO Promises Funds are ‘Safu’ as He Flees to Country Without Extradition Treaty

Binance CEO Changpeng Zhao declared that all user funds were safe and secure following reports that he had booked a one-way flight to a country with no extradition treaty. The news has sent investors into a frenzy and left many scratching their heads in confusion. "I can assure all of our users that their funds…

ByAccomplished Author9 March 20230Comments

Music

Bored Ape NFTs Left Hanging as NFT Bubble Pops, Now Available at Local Gas Station Bargain Bin

In a sign that yet another cryptocurrency bubble has burst, bored ape NFTs have been seen in a gas station discount rack for a meagre $1. It's a far cry from the astronomical prices for which these digital artworks were once sold, often for millions of dollars. "It's really sad to see," said one onlooker,…

ByAccomplished Author7 January 20230Comments

Business

Crypto Investor Who Lost Everything Still HODLs Lambo Dream

Crypto investor John Smith, who had seen his cryptocurrency investments fall by 850% in 2022, leaving him bankrupt and without a home, has made a surprising statement. Despite his losses and his wife leaving him, Smith still believes that crypto is the future and that it will bounce back. Smith, who was once a high-flying…

ByAccomplished Author2 January 20230Comments