Jordan Peterson Weeps, Woke Left Desecrates Sacred Canadian Maple Syrup, Gender Pronouns and Barista with Horrifying Consequences

The world was stunned today as famed clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson, the champion of free speech, was seen weeping uncontrollably outside a café in downtown Toronto. The cause for Peterson’s tears? A group of “woke” leftists had descended on the establishment, determined to “de-genderify” the establishment’s offerings. The leftists had declared that all orders must…

ByAccomplished Author11 January 20230Comments

Music

Joe Biden’s Bedtime Favourites: A Collection of Nursery Rhymes to Put the President to Sleep

As the United States continues to grapple with inflation and global uncertainty, our beloved President Joe Biden is working tirelessly to ensure the nation's safety. However, it is no secret that being president is incredibly taxing, and after a long day of hard work, Joe needs his rest. Thankfully we have uncovered the secret to…

ByAccomplished Author11 January 20230Comments

Entertainment

Jeremy Clarkson Trends on Twitter, Sadly He’s Still Alive

The internet was abuzz today as the name Jeremy Clarkson began trending on Twitter. Fans of the former Top Gear host eagerly clicked on the hashtag, hoping that this time, their prayers had been answered and Clarkson had finally shuffled off this mortal coil. Alas, they were disappointed. It turned out that the trending topic…

ByAccomplished Author10 January 20230Comments

Entertainment

Hugh Jackman Denies Taking Steroids, Says He Achieved His Wolverine Physique The Old Fashioned Way: Personal Trainer, Dietician, Expensive Supplements and Chef

Hugh Jackman, famous for portraying the iconic superhero Wolverine in the X-Men film series, has denied ever taking steroids to build his muscular physique. In a recent interview, Jackman revealed that he achieved his Wolverine-like body the old fashioned way – by hiring an expensive personal trainer, dietician, and personal chef, and taking expensive muscle…

ByAccomplished Author10 January 20230Comments

Music

Mod Sun Drops a New Hot Track for the Lazy – ‘Just Don’t Do It’

Rapper Mod Sun has released a new single that's sure to be the hit of the year. The track, entitled "Just Don't Do It," is a catchy, upbeat song about not doing anything. The chorus of the song goes like this: "Just don't do it, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it. Just…

ByAccomplished Author10 January 20230Comments

Entertainment

Ant-Man and The Wasp: Quantumania Trailer Released, Has Marvel Gone Too Far This Time?

Marvel has just released the trailer for their upcoming movie Ant-Man and The Wasp: Quantumania. However, it seems they have taken a drastic departure from their usual superhero style movies, as the trailer features a group of ants playing a game of Quantum Leap. The trailer opens with a shot of Ant-Man (Paul Rudd) and…

ByAccomplished Author10 January 20230Comments

Music

Rapper Pusha T Causes Sweet Trouble at Airport Security

Local rapper Pusha T was recently spotted at the airport trying to pass through security with a suspicious-looking bag. Witnesses report that he asked the couple in front of him to "run interference" by smuggling the bag through customs. Unfortunately, the bag aroused the suspicions of airport security, who then took an even closer look…

ByAccomplished Author10 January 20230Comments

Opinion

Lorna Shore Has Been Releasing The Same Song Repeatedly and Nobody Has Noticed (yet)

If you've been anywhere near the music charts lately, you've probably noticed something strange: Lorna Shore keeps releasing the same song, over and over again. And no one seems to notice! It all started when the band released their first single, "To The Hellfire", to debut new vocalist Will Ramos. It quickly became a hit,…

ByAccomplished Author10 January 20230Comments

Music

Johnny Rotten Proves He’s Still Rotten – Finds Flavorful Gum Under Bus Stop Seat

It seems Johnny Rotten is still living up to his name, as the former Sex Pistols frontman recently made an incredible discovery. While waiting for a bus in London recently, Johnny was rummaging around under the seat when he found a piece of gum. And the best part? It still had flavor! "It was the…

ByAccomplished Author10 January 20230Comments

Music

Kelis’s Loaded Thickshake Fails to Whip Up the Same Frenzy as Milkshake

Kelis's follow up single to her 2003 hit "Milkshake" has failed to have the same effect as the original. Released this week, "Loaded Thickshake" isn't doing as well as fans had hoped. The new single, which was described as a "heavier, more adult version of the classic Milkshake", was met with mixed reviews. Critics called…

ByAccomplished Author10 January 20230Comments