Paramore Caught Red-Handed: Band Compromised by CCP After Releasing New Communist Anthem ‘C’est Comme Ça’

Pop-punk favorite Paramore has caused quite the stir with their latest release, “C’est Comme Ça.” The song, which celebrates the joys of communism and the benefits of a classless society, has left fans of the band scratching their heads and asking themselves – has Paramore been compromised by the Chinese Communist Party? The up-tempo anthem…

ByAccomplished Author13 January 20230Comments

Life & Style

White House in Shock as Biden’s Sofa Reveals Top Secret Documents, Decades Old Receipts and a Half-Eaten Ham Sandwich

White House staffers were sent into a frenzy this afternoon after the discovery of several top secret documents, decades old receipts, and a half-eaten ham sandwich under the sofa in President Joe Biden's office. The documents contained some of the most sensitive information the nation has ever seen. One of the documents contained a classified…

ByAccomplished Author13 January 20230Comments

Life & Style

Dad Takes Down Cheesecake Factory Staff in Epic Cheesecake Showdown

An epic battle of epic proportions unfolded at the local Cheesecake Factory today, as one brave dad took down four staff members after they refused to give him a bigger piece of his favorite dessert. The incident began when the dad, who many describe as a "man of large appetite," asked the staff for a…

ByAccomplished Author13 January 20230Comments

Music

Jeff Beck Still with Us, Haunting Rolling Stone After Flawed Article

Jeff Beck fans rejoice! After Rolling Stone's article claiming the guitarist never had a signature song, Beck is getting his revenge from beyond the grave – literally. In a supernatural twist, the ghost of the late guitar legend Jeff Beck is currently haunting the offices of Rolling Stone magazine after the publication's factually incorrect article.…

ByAccomplished Author12 January 20230Comments

Entertainment

Sean Penn Lights Up a Cigar With a Wad of Cash, Talks About Privilege and Introduces Ukrainian President at Golden Globes 2023

In an unprecedented move at the 2023 Golden Globe Awards, actor Sean Penn lit up a cigar with a wad of cash as he delivered a passionate speech about privilege and inequality. The surprise guest speaker caused a stir in the audience as he addressed the need to confront institutional power and social injustice, while…

ByAccomplished Author12 January 20230Comments

Entertainment

Matrix Mania: Social Media Plagued by ‘Red Pill’ Addiction Following Arrest of Andrew Tate

In a bizarre turn of events, a mass psychosis event has been sparked on social media after Andrew Tate, a self-proclaimed British Kung Fu master, was arrested by Romanian authorities for rape and human trafficking allegations. Thousands of white men suddenly began to believe that they were living in the Matrix and that the story…

ByAccomplished Author12 January 20230Comments

Music

Rolling Stone Admits It’s No Longer About Music Journalism, Announces Pivot to Toilet Paper

Rolling Stone magazine has announced that it is no longer focusing on music journalism, and is instead better suited for wiping yourself after going to the toilet. The magazine, once renowned for its insightful and informative music journalism, has decided to shift its focus and reframe itself as a "premium wiping material". The move comes…

ByAccomplished Author12 January 20230Comments

Music

Five Finger Death Punch Still Sucking: Even Family Embarrassed

It's been years since the infamous metal band Five Finger Death Punch first emerged on the music scene, but it seems that the group still hasn't managed to improve their sound. In fact, it appears that even their own family members are embarrassed to invite them to BBQs and other events. "It's just too much,"…

ByAccomplished Author12 January 20230Comments

Music

Parkway Drive on Mission to Conquer Pacific Island Nation: Fans Secretly Cheering Them On

In a shocking announcement today, Australian metalcore band Parkway Drive has declared war on the small Pacific island nation of Palau. The declaration surprises many, as Parkway Drive usually sticks to more peaceful activities such as playing shows, surfing and recording music. However, the band has adopted a more aggressive stance by launching a full-scale…

ByAccomplished Author12 January 20230Comments

Entertainment

Logan Paul’s Soup Kitchen Visit Leaves Much to Be Desired

Logan Paul, YouTube sensation and internet star, visited a local homeless soup kitchen yesterday, but his visit did not leave a lasting impression. Paul arrived at the soup kitchen looking more like a rockstar than a humble volunteer. He was decked out in designer sunglasses and a designer t-shirt and even carrying a designer handbag…

ByAccomplished Author12 January 20230Comments