Sleep Token is Just Bastille for Depressed Teenage Girls

Experts have uncovered the truth behind the mysterious music project known as Sleep Token. After years of speculation, it turns out that the band's enigmatic identity is nothing more than a thinly veiled guise for the popular British band Bastille, specifically tailored to appeal to depressed teenage girls. "It's all just a clever marketing ploy,"…

ByAccomplished Author21 January 20230Comments

Business

Inflation Not Related to Balloons, According to the World’s Worst Economist

In a cringeworthy moment, the world's worst economist has made an embarrassing mistake while attempting to explain inflation to a group of students. During a lecture at a local university, the economist was discussing the nature of inflation when he made the startling claim that inflation was caused by blowing up an inflatable balloon. The…

ByAccomplished Author21 January 20230Comments

Music

The Band Alpha Wolf has been Lying to Fans: Lead Vocalist Not a Real Wolf, Neither is the Band

It has been revealed that Australian metalcore band Alpha Wolf has been lying to its fans about the true identities of its members. Despite years of claiming to be "real wolves," the band's lead vocalist and all of its members are in fact human. "We can't believe we fell for this," said long-time Alpha Wolf…

ByAccomplished Author20 January 20230Comments

Entertainment

Percy Hynes White Lubricates Up for Toughest Acting Challenge Yet: Prison

Star of breakout hit Netflix series 'Wednesday', Percy Hynes White has announced that he will be taking on the role of a lifetime: a convicted criminal serving time in prison, after numerous women have come forward accusing him of sexual assault allegations spanning years. "I've always been drawn to complex, challenging roles," said White in…

ByAccomplished Author20 January 20231Comment

Opinion

Periphery’s Rise to Fame Confounds Critics: ‘They’re Just a Meshuggah Tribute Band with Bono on Vocals

It's the question on everyone's mind: what's with all of the hype around Periphery? Sure, they've got some catchy riffs and a killer drummer, but let's be real here: they're just a Meshuggah cover band with Bono on vocals. It's not hard to see the similarities. The chugging, down-tuned guitars and frenetic drumming are straight…

ByAccomplished Author20 January 20230Comments

Music

‘Du Hast’ To Be Kidding Me: Rammstein Responsible for High Gas Prices

The cost of gasoline is a hot-button issue for many Americans. With prices fluctuating wildly, it's easy to blame the oil companies for the high prices at the pump. But the real culprits might just be the German industrial metal band, Rammstein. Yes, you read that right. Rammstein is apparently the reason why your wallet…

ByAccomplished Author20 January 20230Comments

Entertainment

Bird Watchers in Awe as Rick Rubin’s Massive Beard Provides Haven for Migrating Birds

In a shocking turn of events, it has been revealed that a family of birds has made their home inside legendary music producer Rick Rubin's massive beard. The birds, believed to be a species of sparrow, were first spotted by Rubin's barber during a routine trim. "I was just giving Rick his usual beard shaping…

ByAccomplished Author20 January 20230Comments

Reviews

Food Critic Reviews: Cracker Island by Gorillaz is a Cracking Disappointment

The highly anticipated new album by Gorillaz, Cracker Island, has left me wanting more. A notable lack of food, and even fewer crackers, has left my ravenous appetite unsatisfied. Gorillaz’s unique blend of obscure electronic instrumentals and alternative rock has been a hit with critics and fans alike, but this latest offering fails to live…

ByAccomplished Author20 January 20231Comment

Entertainment

Meghan Markle is an Evil Villainess Set to Devour Your Kids, Warns Daily Mail

In a shocking turn of events, a new report by the Daily Mail claims that Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, is actually a demon from hell sent to earth with the sole purpose of preying on innocent children. The report, which is sure to cause panic among parents everywhere, claims that Markle has been using…

ByAccomplished Author20 January 20230Comments

Entertainment

Dave Chappelle’s Latest Show Leaves the Audience Speechless – Literally!

Dave Chappelle’s latest show had a lot of people talking – or rather, not talking. The comedian performed his latest show in complete silence, choosing instead to read a copy of the Quran while the audience sat in stunned silence. The show opened with Dave Chapelle silently reading from the Quran. As he read, his…

ByAccomplished Author20 January 20230Comments