CFTC Slaps Binance with Lawsuit: CZ Defiantly Proclaims ‘Funds SAFU’ While Boarding Jet with Suitcases of Cold Wallets

Bahamas – The Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC) has filed a lawsuit against Binance and its CEO, Changpeng Zhao (CZ), accusing them of willfully evading U.S. laws and offering unregistered crypto derivatives products. In response, CZ has taken an unorthodox approach to reassure users of their funds' safety: boarding his private jet with suitcases stuffed…

ByAccomplished Author28 March 20230Comments

Music

World Finally Acknowledges Wes Borland as Creator of Djent, Everyone Feels Pretty Stupid

It's time to admit it: Wes Borland, the enigmatic guitarist of Limp Bizkit, is the true inventor of the subgenre known as "djent." For years, fans of the genre have credited bands like Meshuggah and Periphery with its creation, but it turns out that Borland was ahead of his time. "I remember being in the…

ByAccomplished Author28 March 20230Comments

Music

SoundCloud Rapper Takes a Stand Against Putin

In what is sure to be one of the more controversial SoundCloud releases of 2023, an aspiring rapper by the name of 'Lil' Donnie Jo' has released a diss track directed at Russian President Vladimir Putin. The track, 'Put That Put-Put Out!', is a scathing condemnation of Putin's history of human rights violations and political…

ByAccomplished Author27 March 20230Comments

Life & Style

Yes. That car behind you is definitely following you home

Alright, let's get real here. We all know the dangers of coming home late at night. Whether it's a creepy alley or an eerie sidewalk, the fear of something lurking in the shadows can be a real and pressing concern. But I'm here to tell you that the real danger is much closer than you…

ByAccomplished Author27 March 20230Comments

Entertainment

Quentin Tarantino Saves Pigeon’s Life with Dramatic Mouth-to-Mouth, Demands Oscar for Best Pigeon Resuscitation

Los Angeles, CA - In an unforeseen act of heroism, acclaimed film director Quentin Tarantino took to the streets of Hollywood to save the life of a struggling pigeon with a jaw-dropping mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Onlookers gasped in awe as Tarantino cradled the avian in his arms, gently breathing life back into the bird's lungs like…

ByAccomplished Author27 March 20230Comments

Music

Avril Lavigne Announces a New Song, “Jetski Man”

Los Angeles, CA – In a move that has left music aficionados and sea creatures alike gasping for air, Avril Lavigne, queen of the early-2000s punk-pop scene, has returned to the spotlight with her unexpected follow-up to the iconic "Sk8er Boi," – behold the advent of "Jetski Man!" Gone are the days of skateboards, baggy…

ByAccomplished Author27 March 20230Comments

Entertainment

Logan Paul Launches Revolutionary New Scam, Fans Ecstatic

YouTube sensation Logan Paul has announced the launch of a revolutionary new scam opportunity for his fans. The self-proclaimed "social media influencer" and "entrepreneur" took to Twitter to unveil his latest venture, a pyramid scheme that promises to make participants rich beyond their wildest dreams. According to Paul, the scam is incredibly simple: participants must…

ByAccomplished Author27 March 20230Comments

Music

KFC Introduces Colonel Shredder in Latest Attempt to Get in on the ‘Metal’ Craze

In a desperate bid to appeal to the metal crowd, KFC has announced a major rebrand of their iconic mascot, Colonel Sanders. The fast food giant has revealed that the new and improved Colonel will now be known as Colonel Shredder, complete with a leather jacket, aviator sunglasses, and a guitar made out of fried…

ByAccomplished Author26 March 20230Comments

Entertainment

Will Smith’s Tragic Nightmare: Jada’s Pasta Affair Leaves Him Devastated!

Hollywood Hills, CA - In a culinary catastrophe that's left the internet stunned and concerned, beloved actor and "Fresh Prince" star Will Smith has suffered a devastating setback in his romantic life. Yes, dear readers, it's true: Jada Pinkett-Smith has been spotted sharing a bowl of pasta at their favorite restaurant – and to add…

ByAccomplished Author25 March 20230Comments

Music

Rammstein Announces New Album, Promises Even More Fire and Brimstone

German industrial metal band Rammstein is gearing up to release their latest album, and fans are already buzzing about what the band has in store. According to lead singer Till Lindemann, the new album promises to be even more explosive than their previous releases. "We've got bigger flames, bigger explosions, and even more brimstone," said…

ByAccomplished Author25 March 20230Comments