Author page: Accomplished Author

This Man Gave an Italian Restaurant a Bad Yelp Review and Found Himself Wanted by a Sicilian Crime Family. Oops!

NEW YORK, NY - We've all been there: you have a dining experience that's so underwhelming, you just have to share it with the world. But for 32-year-old freelance graphic designer and self-proclaimed foodie Jason Walker, his scathing Yelp review of Mama Mafioso's Trattoria would lead to a chain of events straight out of a…

Music

Exclusive: We Combed Wiz Khalifa for Lice and Uncovered a Shocking Secret!

Los Angeles, CA - Is anyone else's head feeling a little itchy or just ours? Recently our team of intrepid journalists found themselves with unprecedented access to the hallowed locks of rapper Wiz Khalifa. What began as a lighthearted investigation into celebrity hygiene quickly became a mind-bending journey filled with astonishing revelations. The fateful day…

Safemoon’s Cryptocurrency Liquidity Pool Hacked: Security Experts Agree – Not Safe, Not Moon

New York, NY – Panic and bewilderment gripped the cryptocurrency world as Safemoon, the so-called "safest" cryptocurrency on the market, was subjected to a hack of astronomical proportions. In a move that surprised absolutely no one but the die-hard fans, the crypto's liquidity pool was drained faster than a discount-brand kiddie pool at a dog…

Life & Style Politics

From Handcuffs to Haute Couture: Donald Trump Indicted and Arrested, Immediately Lands GQ Cover Shoot

Former President Donald Trump has been indicted, only to find himself whisked away to an exclusive photoshoot for GQ magazine. In what can only be described as the most audacious and unexpected career pivot in recent memory, Trump now graces the cover of GQ's latest issue, clad in prison-issued pinstripes and a smoldering gaze that…

Politics

Bernie Sanders Shocks Fans at Lorna Shore Concert by Showing Up in His Famous Mittens, Proceeds to Crowd Surf on a Fold-Out Chair

Fans at a Lorna Shore concert were in for a surprise when none other than Senator Bernie Sanders made a surprise appearance at the show. Wearing his iconic mittens, Sanders was spotted crowd surfing on a fold-out chair, much to the delight of concertgoers. "I couldn't believe it when I saw Bernie Sanders crowd surfing,"…

Science & Technology

10 Shocking Siri Features They Don’t Want You to Know About: Siri’s Secret Life Exposed!

PALO ALTO, CA – As it turns out, your trusty iPhone assistant Siri may be hiding some mind-boggling features that will make you question everything you know about technology. We've uncovered 10 secret Siri features that will leave you questioning whether you're in a fever dream or if your iPhone has become sentient. Siri's Inner…

Sun’s Out, Suds Out: 10 Craft Beers to Chug Like There’s No Tomorrow

It's that time again, folks! The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and your crippling seasonal allergies are back in full swing. But don't let that stop you from enjoying the great outdoors – or at least your backyard – with these 10 absurdly crafted beers just begging to be chugged down this summer.…

The Rare Animal That Excretes the Secret Ingredient in Gatorade Is Going Extinct – And We Can’t Even!

Somewhere in the deepest, darkest recesses of the Amazon rainforest, there exists a creature so rare and vital to the athletic community that its very existence has become the stuff of legends. Meet the Hydratopotamus, an elusive animal known for excreting the secret ingredient in Gatorade, the world's most popular sports drink. In a tragic…

LOCK HIM UP! Donald Trump Defies Apron Commandment, Cook’s Lips Left Unkissed

It was a sweltering summer afternoon in the heart of Texas, where the air was as thick as the barbecue sauce slathered on the ribs. The scene: a glorious backyard BBQ, complete with the smoky aroma of charred meats, the sticky sweetness of homemade baked beans, and the mouth-watering sensation that is potato salad. Enter…