Brace Yourselves, Snowflakes: Born of Osiris Just Announced a MAGA-Inspired Metal Album That’s Guaranteed to Melt Your Safe Space

In the cacophonic world of metal, witness the unparalleled fusion of political soundbites and breakdowns that will leave you questioning reality. Born of Osiris has turned the tables on political correctness and embarked on a colossal journey into uncharted territory – a full-blown MAGA-inspired concept album. Say goodbye to your avocado toast and put down…

ByAccomplished Author6 April 20230Comments

Entertainment

Death Metal Barbie: The Perfect Doll for Your Little Headbanger

Mattel, the company behind the iconic Barbie doll, has just announced a new addition to their toy line: Death Metal Barbie. This new doll is the perfect gift for parents who want to give their little girl a taste of the extreme metal lifestyle. Death Metal Barbie comes complete with a miniature electric guitar, a…

ByAccomplished Author6 April 20230Comments

Politics

Russia Admits Defeat: KFC’s Secret Recipe Remains a Mystery Despite Kremlin’s Best Efforts

Moscow, Russia – Russian officials have publicly conceded defeat in their years-long covert operation to decipher the coveted blend of eleven herbs and spices used in KFC's famous fried chicken recipe. Despite a military budget exceeding that of the entire population of Kentucky, the Kremlin's top culinary cryptographers were left utterly bewildered by Colonel Sanders'…

ByAccomplished Author5 April 20230Comments

Music

James Hetfield Shocks Fans by Taking Mid-Concert Bathroom Break, Proving He’s Just Like Us

Last night, fans were left in awe as Metallica front-man James Hetfield paused a sold-out show to take a much-needed bathroom break. The shocking move, which Hetfield attributed to "not being able to hold it in anymore," has left fans questioning everything they thought they knew about the rock icon. "I couldn't believe it," said…

ByAccomplished Author5 April 20230Comments

Life & Style

Phil Anselmo Completes Journey to Ultimate Badassery: Truck Nuts Installed on His Monster Whip! (PETA Won’t Like This)”

New Orleans, LA - Phil Anselmo, the legendary frontman of Pantera and Down, has long been considered one of the most fearsome figures in heavy metal. But now, Anselmo has taken his badass persona to unbelievable new heights by installing truck nuts on his monster truck, effectively asserting his dominance over all mere mortals (and…

ByAccomplished Author4 April 20230Comments

Life & Style

Finally! Uber Eats Announces Revolutionary ‘Foodwalk’ Service for Those Who Crave Exercise with Their Takeout

New York, NY – Uber Eats announced its latest innovative service, "Foodwalk," which is set to revolutionize how people combine their love for exercise with their insatiable need for takeout cuisine. The company's Vice President of Neoteric Culinary Expeditions, Chad Kensington-Smithworthy III, announced on Monday that Foodwalk is the perfect solution for environmentally-conscious customers who…

ByAccomplished Author4 April 20230Comments

Life & Style

Nation Realizes It’s Been a Few Years Since They Were Outrageously Angry About Harambe, Decides to Get Mad Again

It's been a few years since the tragic death of Harambe the gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo, and the nation has finally realized that it's been far too long since they've been outrageously angry about something. "I was scrolling through my Facebook feed, and I realized I haven't been truly furious in a while," said…

ByAccomplished Author4 April 20230Comments

Science & Technology

George Soros Swipes New York Times with a $7 Lifeline: Twitter Blue Checkmark Drama Unfolds!

Billionaire philanthropist George Soros has swooped in to save the floundering New York Times from the embarrassment of losing its coveted blue checkmark on Twitter. After the newspaper refuses to cough up the measly $7 monthly fee, Soros has graciously offered to cover the expense as long as they hand over the keys to the…

ByAccomplished Author3 April 20230Comments

Science & Technology

Elon Musk’s Generous Clown-Face Gift Leaves New York Times Red-Nosed and Speechless!

New York, NY - The New York Times Twitter account has lost its coveted blue checkmark after refusing to pay a measly $7 monthly fee. The verification badge, intended to authenticate the account as legitimate, was stripped from the account after it failed to meet Twitter's new policy. The New York Times had long enjoyed…

ByAccomplished Author3 April 20230Comments

Science & Technology

Bitcoin Plunges to Unseen Depths, Hodlers Insist It’s Just Practicing Limbo for the Afterparty!

As the price of Bitcoin, the digital currency that's one power outage away from oblivion, spirals downward into the abyss of financial despair, its most passionate admirers – the hodlers – stand firm in their conviction that everything is just peachy. They argue that the plummeting value is simply Bitcoin's way of limbering up before…

ByAccomplished Author3 April 20230Comments