Epic Fail! Bill Gates Accidentally Releases Vaccine for Next Pandemic Virus That He Hasn’t Released Yet

Seattle, WA: Microsoft mogul and technology soothsayer Bill Gates has done it again – and this time, it's a doozy. In an epic display of human fallibility, Gates has unwittingly released the vaccine for a pandemic virus that he hadn't even let out of the bag yet. Talk about putting the cart before the horse!…

ByAccomplished Author9 April 20230Comments

Entertainment

Small Rocket Syndrome: Taylor Swift and Elon Musk Have Broken Up

PALO ALTO, CA - You might have thought that Taylor Swift and Elon Musk's whirlwind romance was written in the stars, but it turns out that the size of the stars - or rather, the size of SpaceX's latest rocket - may have been the couple's ultimate downfall. In a breakup that has left the…

ByAccomplished Author9 April 20230Comments

Life & Style

Upheaval Gone Wrong: CEO Faces Stark Reality After Trading Veteran Staff for Budget-Friendly Neophytes

Stupefaction and chaos! Meet the new ambience at the once-thriving TechSurance Inc. after their emboldened CEO, Daniel Mellark, embarked on a cost-cutting crusade by replacing the invaluable veteran employees with low-cost, fresh-faced newbies. With smug satisfaction quickly turning to sheer panic, it didn't take long for Mellark to realize – to his utter dismay –…

ByAccomplished Author9 April 20230Comments

Music

The Real Slim Sweetie: Eminem to Rebrand After His Edible Nemesis

In a confectionery coup that's left the world of hip-hop bewildered and jelly bean enthusiasts in stitches, rap legend and rhyme dictionary enthusiast Eminem, also known as Marshall Mathers or the Real Slim Shady, has revealed his savory scheme to rebrand himself in the name of his bitterest candy competitor - Ferrero's Nutella Butterfinger Poppin'…

ByAccomplished Author9 April 20230Comments

Life & Style

New Study Shows that Spying on Employees 24/7 Increases Productivity by a Whopping 0.01%

In a bold move to boost productivity and streamline efficiency, companies across the nation are turning to a revolutionary new technology: integrated cameras in desks and chairs. According to a recent study by the National Association of Productivity Enhancement (NAPE), employees who are constantly monitored by their employers are a staggering 0.01% more productive than…

ByAccomplished Author9 April 20230Comments

Music

Rockstar or Robin Hood? Mike Patton Solves Fuel Crisis One Gas Tank at a Time

Deep in the Gas-Less Hole of America – In a desperate attempt to counter the fuel crisis, noted musician and frontman of Faith No More, Mike Patton, has been caught red-handed siphoning gasoline from parked vehicles in the name of economic equality and bringing The Man Down. The hardcore rocker's personal initiative, dubbed "Project Gas-it-Forward,"…

ByAccomplished Author9 April 20230Comments

Politics

Donald Trump Rides Jetski to Freedom: Manhattan DA’s Indictment Just Water Under the Bridge!

Manhattan, NY - Just when you thought 2023 couldn't get any more bizarre, former President Donald Trump was spotted zipping around the Hudson River on a gold-plated jetski, moments after it was announced a whopping 34-count indictment against him for business fraud. Tossing caution and legal advice, the ever-entertaining entrepreneur put on a show that…

ByAccomplished Author8 April 20230Comments

Music

Uh-oh! Rivers of Nihil Just Declared Global Thermostat War – And It’s Heating Up!

Well, buckle up, folks – because Rivers of Nihil have just thrown a sizzling curveball at the world, and it's about to change our future in the most bizarre way possible. In an unexpected announcement yesterday, the progressive death metal band has declared a full-blown global thermostat war, claiming to challenge the world's best scientists…

ByAccomplished Author8 April 20230Comments

Music

Local Band Shocked to Discover Audience Didn’t Notice Guitarist Playing Entire Set Out of Tune

Local band, "The Soundwaves" were left stunned after their performance at Joe's Bar last night when they discovered that not a single audience member had noticed that their guitarist, Jim, had been playing out of tune for the entire set. "We couldn't believe it," said lead singer Sally. "We had a little huddle backstage and…

ByAccomplished Author8 April 20230Comments

Life & Style

Local Police Officer Praised for Showing Mercy to Elderly Protesters by Only Beating Them Senselessly

In a refreshing display of compassion and understanding, a local police officer has made headlines for showing mercy to the elderly protesters in his community by only beating them senselessly. According to eyewitnesses, the officer, who has chosen to remain anonymous, was seen gently escorting a group of senior citizens out of a peaceful demonstration…

ByAccomplished Author7 April 20230Comments