Local Band Writes Song About Absolutely Nothing, Still Manages to Top Charts

In a bold move that has sent shockwaves through the music industry, local band "The Blank Slates" has just released a new single about absolutely nothing. And yet, despite the lack of lyrics, melody, or any discernible structure, the song has managed to climb to the top of the charts. According to lead singer and…

ByAccomplished Author19 April 20230Comments

Music

Experts Confirm Tupac Shakur’s Death Caused by a Broken Heart, Not Gunshot Wounds

Experts have confirmed that legendary rapper Tupac Shakur did not die from gunshot wounds but from a broken heart. According to Dr Dre, who was present at the scene of Shakur's death, the rapper's heart was "literally shattered into a million pieces" when he found out that his album "All Eyez on Me" had only…

ByAccomplished Author18 April 20230Comments

Music

Late and Lackluster: Frank Ocean Impersonator’s Coachella Caper Includes Tardiness and a Shameless Herbalife Plug!

As if the spectacle of a Fiverr-sourced Frank Ocean lookalike wasn't bewildering enough for the Coachella crowd, the counterfeit crooner took his performance to new heights of absurdity by showing up an hour late to his set and brazenly promoting a Herbalife affiliate link on stage. In a move that seemed to defy both logic…

ByAccomplished Author18 April 20230Comments

Politics

Alex Jones Announces Presidential Campaign with Promise to ‘Make America Crazy Again

In a move that surprised no one, conspiracy theorist and InfoWars host Alex Jones announced his candidacy for President of the United States on Tuesday. Speaking to a crowd of supporters (and a few confused tourists) outside of his Austin-based studio, Jones promised to "drain the swamp" and "take back our country from the deep…

ByAccomplished Author17 April 20230Comments

Life & Style

J.K. Rowling Shocks Nation by Single-Handedly Saving Trans Person, Proceeds to Lecture on Gender

Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling stopped her car on the side of the road to rescue a trans person from a burning vehicle, only to lecture them on the complexities of gender identity. Eye witnesses reported that Rowling, who has recently been criticized for her controversial views on transgender individuals, was driving down the highway…

ByAccomplished Author16 April 20230Comments

Music

Tom Morello single-handedly devours entire chip bowl at party, leaving guests in shock and awe

In a shocking display of gluttony and disregard for basic social etiquette, musician Tom Morello brazenly consumed the entirety of the chip bowl at a recent party, leaving guests scrambling for crumbs and questioning the meaning of justice. According to witnesses, the incident occurred during the party's peak, when the chip bowl was at its…

ByAccomplished Author15 April 20230Comments

Music

David Draiman Reveals Disturbed’s New Album Will Drop ‘Whenever the Voices in My Head Tell Me To’

Chicago, IL - In a surprise move, Disturbed frontman David Draiman announced that the band's highly-anticipated new album will be released "whenever the voices in my head tell me to." Speaking to a crowd of fans at a recent concert, Draiman stated, "I've always been guided by the voices in my head, and they've never…

ByAccomplished Author14 April 20230Comments

Life & Style

Elon Musk Finds Gem-Encrypted Dogecoin Mine, Raises the Stakes in Meme Economy!

Cupertino, CA – Tech billionaire and part-time Martian hopeful Elon Musk has once again shocked the world as he announces the unearthing of a one-of-a-kind Dogecoin Emerald mine. Now, that's a load of gem-and-cryptocurrency-infused banter we can all take a shine to! It all started when Musk, the real-life Iron Man with a wacky sense…

ByAccomplished Author13 April 20230Comments

Life & Style

Papa John’s Takes a Big Slice of the Woke Pie With Revolutionary Gender-Neutral Pizzas!

Pizza aficionados, brace yourselves - the pizza world as we know it is about to change! If you thought Nike and Bud Light cornered the market on woke points with their recent trans-community initiatives, prepare to have your mind blown - Papa John's is showing they can roll out the dough in the name-change game,…

ByAccomplished Author13 April 20230Comments

Music

Eric Clapton Has Had Enough! Gives Crowd the Middle Finger During Sold-Out Concert

Legendary musician Eric Clapton reportedly flipped off the entire crowd during a sold-out concert at London's O2 Arena last night. The incident occurred during a particularly emotional rendition of Clapton's hit song "Tears in Heaven," when the guitar god suddenly paused mid-solo, gave the crowd the middle finger, and shouted, "Screw you all, I'm sick…

ByAccomplished Author13 April 20230Comments