Big Brother China: Get Ready to Be Watched – Without Any Reward!

In a move that has shocked and delighted Chinese citizens, the Chinese government has decided to take their nation's extensive surveillance network and CCTV cameras to a new level by launching their own reality television show. Dubbed "Big Brother China," the show will give viewers an unprecedented level of insight into the lives of ordinary…

ByAccomplished Author28 May 20230Comments

Entertainment

Axed Fox News Host Tucker Carlson Launches Twitter-Based Show, Starts by Attacking Starbucks Barista Over Aspartame Conspiracy

Recently ousted from Fox News, Tucker Carlson took his professional rage machine to the Twittersphere by launching his own streaming show. In a shocking and ballsy move, the inaugural episode featured Carlson embroiled in an unhinged debate with a Starbucks barista over the government's sinister connections to the artificial sweetener aspartame. The former cable news…

ByAccomplished Author27 May 20230Comments

Music

Periphery Fans Pretend Microphone Still Works at Sold-Out Show

At Periphery's latest concert, the microphone stopped working halfway through the band's set, and fans pretended as though nothing was wrong. "It was honestly the most impressive thing I've ever seen," said concert-goer Sarah Johnson. "Everyone just kept moshing and headbanging like it was business as usual. I couldn't believe it." According to witnesses, the…

ByAccomplished Author26 May 20230Comments

Science & Technology

Neural DSP Declares End to Capitalism with Archetype: Tom Morello

HELSINKI, FINLAND — In a ballsy move that would make Karl Marx break into an air guitar solo, Neural DSP has just announced the launch of Archetype: Tom Morello. This cutting-edge guitar plugin promises to transform your mediocre noodling into rock god riffage and end capitalism as we know it. We'll give you a moment…

ByAccomplished Author25 May 20231Comment

Politics

DeSantis Announces Presidency Amidst Sound of Crashing Servers, North Korea Sends Congrats

SAN FRANCISCO - North Korea congratulates Florida Governor Ron DeSantis on his successful 2024 presidential campaign launch. The announcement, delivered via a Twitter Space hosted by Elon Musk, was a cavalcade of glitches, screeching feedback, and general audio chaos that even the most seasoned tech veterans couldn't decipher. "It's clear that Mr. Musk's decision to…

ByAccomplished Author25 May 20230Comments

Life & Style

McDonald’s Sours Soft Serve Fans with News of Extinct Ice Cream Creature

McDonald's loyal customers were left in shock and dismayed today as the fast food giant announced that the creature from which the crucial ingredient of its beloved soft serve ice cream is officially extinct. "We are deeply saddened to report that the 'Chocopod', an elusive, semi-aquatic marsupial native to Australia, has been officially declared extinct,"…

ByAccomplished Author25 May 20230Comments

Entertainment

Chris Brown Proves That Beating Women Is the Key to Success

Are you tired of working hard and not seeing any results in your career? Well, look no further than Chris Brown, the ultimate example of how to achieve success despite being a woman-beater. Yes, that's right folks. Chris Brown, the man with a history of domestic violence, has not only managed to continue his successful…

ByAccomplished Author24 May 20230Comments

Music

Sleep Token Frontman Forced to Trade Mic for Dishwashing Gloves After Skipping Out on Restaurant Bill

The enigmatic frontman of Sleep Token, known only as "The Vessel," was spotted scrubbing dishes at a local restaurant after reportedly being unable to pay his bill. According to sources, The Vessel had been enjoying a quiet dinner at the establishment when he suddenly realized that he had left his wallet at home. Despite repeated…

ByAccomplished Author23 May 20230Comments

Science & Technology

Elon Musk’s death beam satellite: a game-changer or a recipe for disaster?

In an announcement that surprised no one, Elon Musk revealed that his latest invention, a death beam satellite, is almost complete. But fear not. The billionaire inventor and Twitter CEO reassured the public that the satellite will not be used to silence competitors or crush worker unionization. Phew! In development for several years, the death…

ByAccomplished Author22 May 20230Comments

Life & Style

Exhausted Soccer Mom Delivers Knockout Blow to Conor McGregor in Walmart Parking Lot Brawl

It was a typical Tuesday evening at the local Walmart parking lot when washed-up drunk and former UFC champion Conor McGregor met his match. The once-fearsome fighter was taken down by none other than Karen McMillan, a 42-year-old mother of three who was just trying to get her grocery shopping done in peace. The altercation…

ByAccomplished Author22 May 20230Comments