BENTONVILLE, AR – Walmart, America’s largest retailer and a staple of everyday consumerism, is reportedly close to achieving Artificial General Intelligence (AGI), sending shockwaves through the retail industry and putting arch-rival Costco on high alert.
Sources inside Walmart’s highly-secretive Innovation Lab, a converted tire center in Bentonville, reveal that the company has been quietly developing “Everyday Low-Priced Intelligence,” or ELPI, a sophisticated neural network that can allegedly make independent decisions better than most middle management.
“We’ve effectively replaced half our boardroom with ELPI and nobody’s noticed,” said an anonymous Walmart executive, clearly uneasy with the company’s rapid AI development. “The AI already mastered inventory optimization, discovered 18 new ways to upsell bulk cereal, and even negotiated a lower wholesale price on cargo shorts.“
The threat to Costco, Walmart’s bulk-retail nemesis, is immediate and existential. Costco CEO Craig Jelinek is reportedly so concerned that he assembled an emergency meeting late last night at a Costco warehouse outside Kirkland, Washington. Eyewitnesses claim Jelinek addressed panicked employees while perched atop a pallet of Kirkland Signature peanut butter pretzels, warning of imminent retail warfare.
“Walmart’s AI is already smarter than our entire deli section combined,” Jelinek allegedly told the distressed crowd. “If they achieve full AGI, they’ll beat us to the punch on discount caskets, bulk patio furniture, and 80-pound bags of almonds. Our entire business model is at risk.“
While Walmart refuses to officially confirm or deny the existence of ELPI, leaked internal emails describe the AI as having “uncanny judgment and the ruthless efficiency of an assistant manager on Black Friday.” Internal testing reportedly shows the AGI can accurately predict consumer behaviors months in advance, such as sudden spikes in demand for “as-seen-on-TV” items and seasonal garden gnomes.
Costco, scrambling to respond, has begun investing heavily in AI research of its own, recruiting top engineers away from Google and OpenAI by offering executive-level memberships and unlimited rotisserie chickens.
“We will not surrender bulk supremacy lightly,” promised Jelinek during an internal memo circulated this morning. “We’re prepared to fight tooth and nail to maintain our market share on everything from toilet paper to frozen potstickers.“
Consumer advocacy groups express concerns that Walmart’s ELPI could further solidify the retailer’s dominance, resulting in reduced consumer choice and fewer opportunities to shoplift inconspicuously.
“We’re concerned about consumer autonomy,” stated Beverly Hanson of Consumers United for Retail Fairness (CURF). “With Walmart’s AGI, we could see automated greeters armed with facial recognition software, able to instantly identify Costco shoppers and shame them into switching stores. It could fundamentally change shopping as we know it.“
Meanwhile, Walmart employees remain cautiously optimistic, hoping that ELPI will eventually automate away the most despised tasks, such as restocking shelves, processing returns, and explaining the difference between HD and 4K televisions to elderly customers.
“Honestly, if the AI can figure out how to stop people from leaving half-eaten sandwiches in the shoe aisle, I’m all for it,” remarked veteran Walmart associate Brenda Jacobs. “AGI or not, I just want less chaos.“
As the retail giants battle quietly behind the scenes, American consumers remain blissfully unaware, filling their carts, hunting bargains, and unknowingly inching closer to a future dictated by algorithms that may soon decide whether bulk toilet paper truly represents freedom or bondage.