As Tropical Cyclone Alfred barrels towards the southeast Queensland coast, residents are scrambling to prepare for what could be one of the most destructive storms in years. With wind gusts expected to hit 150 km/h and rainfall totals predicted to top 700mm, the category 2 system, potentially strengthening to category 3, has already triggered evacuation orders for thousands of homes across Brisbane and the Gold Coast. Sandbags are running low, evacuation centers are filling up, and the Australian Defence Force is on standby. But amid the chaos, a bizarre theory is gaining traction: this cyclone isn’t a natural disaster. It’s a weapon.
According to a handful of rogue researchers, Cyclone Alfred is being steered by the High-Frequency Active Auroral Research Program (HAARP), a shadowy scientific project long accused by conspiracy circles of meddling with the weather. And the beneficiaries? Australia’s supermarket titans, Coles and Woolworths, who allegedly stand to rake in massive profits as the storm wreaks havoc.
Leading the charge is Dr. Nigel Jackson, a former meteorologist turned self-described “weather truth seeker.” In a heated interview this week, JAckson laid out his case. “The data doesn’t lie,” he insisted, jabbing a finger at a stack of crumpled papers. “This cyclone’s path is too perfect. It’s zeroing in on southeast Queensland, right where Coles and Woolworths dominate the market. You don’t get that kind of precision from Mother Nature. This is HAARP’s handiwork.”
For the uninitiated, HAARP is a real program based in Alaska, designed to study the ionosphere with high-frequency radio waves. To scientists, it’s a tool for understanding atmospheric physics. To theorists like Jackson, it’s a weather-control machine capable of whipping up storms on demand. “They can heat the ionosphere, manipulate pressure systems, and steer weather wherever they want,” he explained, his voice rising. “It’s like playing chess with the sky.”
Jackson claims to have spotted “ionospheric anomalies” in satellite data just before Alfred formed. “The signals were off the charts,” he said. “That’s HAARP’s fingerprint. They flipped the switch, and now we’ve got a cyclone tailor-made to hit Brisbane.”
But why would anyone unleash a cyclone on Queensland? Enter Sarah Jennings, an economist with a knack for seeing things others do not buried deep in economic data. She argues that Coles and Woolworths, the twin giants of Australia’s grocery scene, have everything to gain from the chaos. “Disasters are goldmines for these companies,” Jennings said. “Panic buying empties the shelves, supply chains get snarled, and prices shoot through the roof. It’s a perfect storm, pun intended, for their bottom line.”
As Alfred approaches, the evidence is stacking up. Supermarket aisles are already bare, with shoppers snatching up bread, milk, and, of course, toilet paper like it’s the end of days. Prices are creeping higher, and industry insiders predict a full-on surge once the storm hits. “They don’t even have to jack up the tags,” Jennings added. “Shortages do the work for them. Less stock, higher demand, bigger margins. It’s basic economics with a diabolical twist.”
Whispers of corporate collusion are growing louder. Sources claim to have seen Coles and Woolworths executives huddling with government officials in closed-door meetings, ostensibly to discuss “disaster preparedness.” But what if those talks went beyond sandbags and emergency rations? “I wouldn’t be surprised if HAARP was on the table,” Jennings mused. “These companies have the cash and the clout to pull strings at the highest levels.”
The plot thickens with testimony from an alleged HAARP insider, who spoke to us on condition of anonymity. “I worked there for three years,” the source said, voice low and nervous. “They’ve got a whole setup, a weather control room with a massive map of Australia on the wall. There are buttons for flood, drought, cyclone, you name it. They’ve even got a dial to crank up the intensity. I saw them test it once. It’s bloody terrifying.”
The source chuckled darkly when asked about Alfred. “This has all the hallmarks of a HAARP job. Pinpoint accuracy, rapid escalation—, t’s textbook. And if Coles and Woolworths are involved, they’ve probably got a direct line to the control panel.”
Not everyone’s buying the story. Dr. Lisa Chen, a respected meteorologist with the Bureau of Meteorology, called the claims “utter nonsense” in a statement yesterday. “Weather systems are driven by complex interactions, ocean temperatures, atmospheric pressure, global wind patterns,” she said. “The idea that a single facility could override all that is laughable. If anything’s fueling storms like Alfred, it’s climate change, not some sci-fi conspiracy.”
Chen’s rebuttal hasn’t slowed the theorists down. “Climate change?” Jackson scoffed. “That’s the smokescreen they want you to swallow. Keeps the sheep distracted while they tweak the weather behind closed doors. HAARP’s been at this for decades.”
Perhaps the juiciest tidbit comes from a leaked email, supposedly penned by a Coles executive. The message, which surfaced on an obscure online forum, reads: “Alfred is on track. Expect a 20% increase in Q2 profits. Make sure the shelves look empty by Thursday.” Its authenticity is unconfirmed, Coles declined to comment, but it’s sent the internet into a frenzy. Could the duopoly really be pulling the strings?
Jennings thinks it’s plausible. “These companies aren’t just reacting to the cyclone, they’re banking on it,” she said. “Empty shelves aren’t an accident; they’re a strategy. Scare the punters, hoard the stock, then charge whatever you want. It’s ruthless, but brilliant.”
And then there’s the toilet paper angle. With rolls vanishing faster than you can say “panic buy,” some are pointing fingers at the big manufacturers, think Kleenex and Quilton, as silent partners in the scheme. “They’re in bed with the supermarkets,” Jackson alleged. “A cyclone spikes demand, Coles and Woolies limit supply, and the TP barons cash in. It’s a cartel disguised as a crisis.”
One industry watcher, who asked to remain nameless, agreed. “Toilet paper’s the ultimate fear index,” they said. “When people start hoarding it, the whole market shifts. The manufacturers don’t care why the demand’s there, they just ship less and charge more. Alfred’s a jackpot for them.”
As Cyclone Alfred closes in, set to slam Brisbane early Friday morning, the conspiracy chatter is hitting fever pitch. Social media is lighting up with hashtags like #HAARPgate and #CycloneConspiracy, while others plead for sanity amid the storm prep. Evacuation centers are packed, sandbag queues stretch for blocks, and the tension is palpable.
So, is Alfred a freak of nature or a corporate cash grab? The jury’s still out. Dr. Chen and her ilk insist it’s just weather doing what weather does. But for Jackson, Jennings, and their growing legion of believers, it’s a sinister game of profit and power. “They’re not just forecasting the storm,” Jackson warned. “They’re directing it.”
One thing’s for sure: as the winds roar and the floods rise, Australians won’t just be watching the skies. They’ll be eyeing their grocery receipts, wondering if the real disaster is already in their wallets.