The Wiggles, Australia’s proudest export since Hugh Jackman’s abs, have unleashed their latest musical monstrosity: Wiggle Up, Giddy Up! dropping on March 7, 2025. Featuring enough celebrity cameos to qualify for a Grammy or at least a government investigation, this new album bravely attempts to answer the age-old question, “What happens when preschool entertainment goes country?”
Kicking things off, the title track “Wiggle Up, Giddy Up! (feat. Dasha)” sets the tone with lyrics that will aggressively embed themselves into your psyche: “Grab your boots, wiggle those hips, yeehaw partner, chug that juice box quick!” You’ll pretend you hate it, but you’ll hum it nonstop in the shower.
Next, we suffer through the overly confident counting exercise “Counting 1 to 5,” assuming toddlers can’t grasp numbers beyond five—a harsh but fair judgment. Lines like “One boot, two boot, three boot, four, five little cowboys passed out on the floor” accurately reflect your mental state by the second listen.
The album momentarily peaks with the Dolly Parton duet “Friends!,” which suspiciously feels like Dolly was tricked into participating. Her cheerful cries of “Feeling lonely, feeling blue, just wiggle those fingers, friends are there for you!” beg the question: How exactly did The Wiggles rope Dolly into this madness? Our guess involves dark secrets from Dollywood’s archives.
“Friends of Dorothy (feat. Orville Peck)” takes the album into wild territory, inadvertently becoming the anthem for preschool pride parades everywhere. Lyrics such as “Follow rainbows, sparkle bright, cowboy boots under disco lights” suggest someone slipped something stronger than apple juice into the band’s sippy cups.
Clearly obsessed with utility vehicles, the Wiggles bless us with “Big Red Ute” and the unnecessary remix “Toot Toot, Chugga Chugga, Big Red Ute (feat. Morgan Evans).” If your child wasn’t already shouting “Buckle up, rev the engine, mud-splashin’ and pretendin’!” through grocery stores, just give it a week.
Perhaps the pinnacle of absurdity arrives in “It’s Tough Being Three Years Old (feat. Jackson Dean),” a disturbingly soulful reflection of toddler anguish. Lyrics like “Crayons breakin’, life’s forsakin’, mama won’t give cookies, now my heart is achin’” raise genuine concerns about Jackson Dean’s well-being offstage.
The Wiggles also boldly resurrect Australian icon Slim Dusty from beyond the grave in “I Love to Have a Dance with Dorothy,” proving even death can’t stop them from forcing another bizarre celebrity collaboration onto the world.
Songs like “Someone Left the Gate Open” and “Here Come the Chicken” confirm that The Wiggles have abandoned sanity altogether, chanting nonsensical verses like “Gate swung wide, sheep stampede, farmer cries, chickens freed,” proving there’s no going back from this barnyard madness.
In “Calling All Cows (feat. Morgan Evans),” the group earnestly asks if cows have social anxiety or group chats, leaving you genuinely concerned about how long they’ve been hanging around livestock. The album mercilessly drags you through thirty-two tracks of country-themed chaos before ending with the manipulative and oddly touching “We Will Always Be Friends (feat. Dolly Parton),” featuring the suspiciously tear-jerking line, “Wiggles forever, even when your knees don’t bend, you’ll wish this album would finally end.”
Wiggle Up, Giddy Up! will undoubtedly invade your family’s playlist, hijack your mental health, and become the soundtrack of every unfortunate car ride. Welcome to the Wiggles’ Yeehaw Apocalypse. May God have mercy on your ears.