SEATTLE, WA — Your favorite YouTube guitar is a monster, we’re sorry.
Sources have confirmed that YouTube guitarist Jared Dines is, in fact, a terrible person. While millions have enjoyed his viral videos showcasing blistering solos, djent-packed riffs, and oversized novelty guitars, recent investigative efforts have revealed a sinister truth: Jared Dines leaves shopping carts stranded in the middle of parking lots like a complete psychopath.
“Dines is the kind of guy who loads his trunk, takes a quick glance around, and just abandons the cart like some feral animal,” said an anonymous grocery store employee who has had enough of his nonsense. “We have cart return areas literally ten feet away, but no, I guess Mr. ‘Multi-Scale Tapping Guy’ is too busy for that.”
The scandal first broke when security footage from a local Costco surfaced, showing Dines casually rolling his cart into a parking space before peeling out in his 2010 Honda Civic. Internet sleuths quickly linked the footage to other troubling behaviors, including reports that he claps when the plane lands, uses the word ‘epic’ unironically, and once referred to a song as ‘literally fire’ in front of a group of jazz musicians.
“I always knew something was off about him,” said fellow YouTube guitarist Rob Scallon. “Anyone who owns that many guitars has got to be hiding something.”
Dines has since responded to the controversy in a hastily made Instagram story, stating, “People are just looking for reasons to hate me. It’s just a shopping cart. Chill.” However, damage control efforts were quickly derailed when further allegations surfaced claiming that Dines has also been spotted skipping the line at Chipotle by ‘accidentally’ ordering online while already inside the store.
“It’s always the ones you least suspect,” said a fan who had just set fire to their Jared Dines signature guitar. “First he dropped that terrible pop-punk song, and now this? I’m done.”
As the controversy continues to unfold, sources indicate that Dines has gone into hiding, reportedly retreating to an undisclosed location with nothing but a 19-string guitar, a gallon of Monster Energy, and a strong WiFi connection to continue posting shred videos as if nothing ever happened.
Authorities warn the public to remain vigilant, as unconfirmed reports suggest that Dines has also been seen aggressively pressing elevator buttons that are already lit, taking up two parking spots, and—perhaps most disturbingly—double-dipping at social gatherings.
This story is developing.
