LOS ANGELES, CA — Local wellness influencer and self-proclaimed “spiritual goddess” Luna Starbeam took to social media last night to remind her followers that “the body is a sacred temple” while clutching a can of kombucha and rhythmically swaying in a haze of neon strobe lights.
In a series of TikTok videos posted throughout the evening, Starbeam delivered impassioned monologues on the importance of gut health, natural skincare, and removing toxins from the body, all while intermittently taking drags from a neon-lit vape pen labeled ‘Mystic Mango’ and washing something down with coconut water.
“Only put high-vibrational, organic things into your body,” Starbeam told her 2.4 million followers as she danced in a crowd under pulsating LED beams. “I always listen to my body. If it craves something, that means it’s in alignment with the universe.”
Eyewitnesses say Starbeam, between explaining the benefits of infrared sauna detoxing and Ayurvedic healing, appeared to be grinding her jaw and stroking the air around her as if attempting to catch invisible cosmic waves.
“She was really passionate about clean eating,” said one attendee. “But then she kept telling me she could taste the music and that the bass had ‘pure intentions.’”
Starbeam also uploaded a video of herself performing a yoga flow in the middle of the dance floor, assuring her followers that movement was key to “releasing stagnant energy.” Moments later, she was seen demanding someone bring her alkaline water before disappearing behind a DJ booth.
Meanwhile, an array of ominous 5G towers loomed over the warehouse, their silent presence unnoticed by Starbeam, whose bio includes “EMF warrior” and “cellular detox advocate.”
This morning, Starbeam posted an Instagram story captioned, “Grateful for last night’s deep spiritual healing. Remember, babes, your body is a temple. Treat it with respect. #GlowFromWithin #OrganicOnly,” followed by an affiliate link for a $48 bottle of chlorophyll drops.
At press time, Starbeam was reportedly preparing for a week-long juice cleanse to “flush out negative energies” while simultaneously planning her next ecstatic dance retreat, sponsored by a CBD-infused kombucha brand.