OpenAI has officially revealed GPT-4.5, an AI so minuscule it comfortably fits inside a human testicle. Yep, you heard correctly. The latest model, lovingly nicknamed “NutNet” by overly enthusiastic engineers, isn’t just revolutionary tech, it’s literally ballsy.
Standing on stage at yesterday’s packed press conference, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman dramatically cradled a grapefruit-sized testicle prop, proudly proclaiming, “We’re not just shrinking tech, we’re boldly going where no AI has gone before, right into nature’s built-in coin purse.” GPT-4.5 weighs a mere 0.03 ounces yet reportedly packs the computational wallop of its beefier predecessors, now conveniently nestled within the cozy confines of your family jewels.
Industry whispers have long hinted at OpenAI’s tiny ambitions, but few expected the innovation would be this intimate. “We collaborated with MIT nanotech gurus and a rogue Palo Alto urologist,” revealed Dr. Emily Chen, the project’s lead engineer. “The aim was ultra-portability, and turns out, your sack was the ideal storage spot.“
Technical specs are impressive—and a tad unsettling. GPT-4.5 preserves the robust reasoning skills of GPT-4, slashes power usage by 87%, and runs entirely on body heat, no pesky chargers needed. “Just a little warmth and occasional jostle is enough,” Chen noted enthusiastically. Testers describe the experience as having “a tiny, sarcastic therapist whispering directly into your brain.“
But the real kicker is installation. OpenAI has teamed up with shadowy biotech startup BioHackMD to offer a 15-minute, $12,000 outpatient procedure described as “less painful than a vasectomy, more rewarding than buying a Tesla.” Promotional materials tout a “seamless integration experience,” though fine print notes side effects such as hallucinations and excessive use of em dashes.
Reaction online was immediate and chaotic. Tech influencer Kyle Baxter tweeted, “Finally, I can skip leg day, my balls handle everything.” Reddit’s r/techgonewild erupted in debate, one user arguing, “Innovation is great, but I don’t want knock-knock jokes from my sack at 3 a.m.” Conspiracy blogs promptly branded the innovation a covert government surveillance plot targeting your privates.
Not everyone’s amused. Stanford bioethicist Dr. Margaret Holloway labeled it a “grotesque overreach” in Wired, writing, “We’ve moved from chips in phones to chips in gonads. What’s next, Alexa in your appendix?” Altman brushed off critics, quipping, “If you’re uncomfortable, just keep your pants on.“
GPT-4.5 remains in limited beta with a waitlist already ballooning into the thousands. Early adopters reportedly include Silicon Valley executives and at least one crypto-bro, who enthusiastically stated, “my balls are now decentralized this is blockchain’s final form.” Whether the masses embrace this bold new future remains uncertain, but OpenAI has definitely taken AI technology where the sun doesn’t shine.
