PLANO, TX – Texans traded their ten-gallon hats for gravy-stained bucket lids today after Kentucky Fried Chicken executed a hostile takeover of the state government, ousting officials in a blitz of drumsticks and chaos. The fast-food chain, fresh off its headquarters move to Plano, rolled into Austin with a convoy of fryer oil-soaked delivery trucks and what witnesses swear were actual chickens trained to peck dissenters into submission. By noon, the capitol was a grease-smeared fortress, and KFC proclaimed Texas the “Texas Fried Republic” (TFR), effective immediately.
The coup, code-named “Operation Cluck ‘n’ Conquer,” kicked off at dawn when a squadron of KFC managers, decked out in red-and-white aprons and wielding megaphones, stormed the statehouse. Armed with industrial gravy hoses and a stockpile of weaponized mashed potato grenades, they sent lawmakers sprinting for the exits. A giant inflatable Colonel Sanders now looms over the capitol lawn, while a banner reading “Finger-Lickin’ Freedom” flaps triumphantly in the breeze. Governor Greg Abbott was last seen peeling out of the parking lot in his F-150, screaming, “The chickens have unionized! We’re screwed!“
“We’re done serving sides and taking sides,” bellowed KFC’s self-titled “Frymaster General” Colonel Harlan J. Sanders IV, a wild-eyed figure in a bedazzled white suit who claims to be the founder’s secret lovechild. “Texas is ours now. We’re turning the Alamo into a 24/7 Spicy Wing Emporium, and the state bird’s a drumstick. Deal with it.” In his first decree, Sanders IV announced that all legislation will now be voted on via KFC app polls, with extra biscuits awarded to “loyal patriots” who rack up enough points.
The takeover’s roots trace back to KFC’s recent relocation from Louisville to Plano, a move Abbott initially celebrated with a goofy photo op chowing down on a Double Down sandwich. Big mistake. A quick web dive reveals Texans have been buzzing about KFC’s “suspiciously militarized” delivery fleet for weeks, with one X user posting, “Saw a KFC truck with a turret. Thought it was for the spicy nugs, but nah, they’re coming for us.” They were right.
Locals are torn between hysteria and hunger. “I woke up to a coupon for free slaw and a new constitution,” said Lubbock mechanic Bubba Ray Torres, 42, wiping grease off his overalls. “If they make the speed limit 11 herbs and spices per hour, I’m in.” Austin barista Sage Willowbrook, 24, disagreed, hurling a vegan smoothie at a KFC bucket statue while yelling, “This is Big Poultry’s endgame!” By afternoon, X was ablaze with memes of Sanders IV riding a giant chicken like a rodeo bull.
Nationally, the reaction’s been a clown show. Kentucky Governor Andy Beshear vowed revenge, threatening to “drown Texas in bourbon and banjo solos.” The Texas National Guard tried to intervene, but half the troops defected when KFC dangled lifetime Wing Wednesday passes. Rumors swirl of a “Chicken Council” replacing the legislature, with plans to tax beef sales to fund a statewide coleslaw pipeline.
KFC’s already teasing its next moves: a state flag redesign featuring a bucket silhouette and a law requiring all citizens to salute the Colonel’s face on every cash register. Whether this greasy regime holds or collapses under its own weight, Texas just became the wildest coop in the West. Stay tuned, and maybe grab a napkin.