AUSTIN, TX – In his latest attempt to outdo his own absurdity, billionaire tech overlord Elon Musk has announced an unprecedented new Tesla discount program: any woman who agrees to undergo in-vitro fertilization (IVF) to carry his genetic spawn will receive a steep discount on a brand-new Tesla. The reason? According to Musk, “Mars isn’t going to colonize itself, and it sure as hell isn’t going to be full of Jeff Bezos’ kids.”
The announcement was made via a cryptic 2:39 AM post on X, which read: “Tesla for Fertility. Let’s GigaBreed. DM me if interested.”
According to leaked Tesla documents, the initiative—dubbed the ‘Reproductive Acceleration Program for Interplanetary Settlement’ (RAPIS)—will offer female participants up to 75% off on a new Model X if they agree to use Musk’s genetic material to create a future generation of Martian pioneers. “I’m talking about the next evolution of humanity,” Musk explained during an impromptu X Spaces. “We need highly intelligent, meme-literate, innovation-driven people on Mars.”
Public reaction has been mixed, with some calling the program “a dystopian sci-fi nightmare,” while others—mostly Tesla stockholders—describe it as “visionary.” Legal scholars are scrambling to determine if exchanging reproductive services for vehicle discounts violates any laws, or if Musk has finally outpaced legislation altogether.
Unfazed by the backlash, Musk doubled down in another post: “Look, if the world is going to be run by my offspring eventually, we might as well expedite the process.” He then added a follow-up, stating that women who agree to bear twins will receive free Supercharging for life and a complimentary Cybertruck upgrade.
Despite the controversy, some die-hard Musk fans are already signing up. “I wasn’t planning on having kids,” said 27-year-old aspiring influencer Kelsey Thompson, “but I mean… an $80K Tesla for, like, $20K? And my kid gets to inherit the Neuralink empire? That’s a solid deal.”
Meanwhile, rumors are swirling that Musk’s next phase may include an exclusive ‘Musk Gene Club’ loyalty program, where each additional pregnancy earns participants more Tesla discounts, SpaceX perks, and an increased chance of being selected for early Mars colonization trials.
At press time, Musk had already teased an expansion of the program, stating, “Musk Dynasty: The Next Generation coming soon. Accepting applications.”
