SPRINGFIELD, IL – A local 67-year-old man, Richard “Rick” Thompson, has reportedly had his phone flashlight on for three consecutive days and still has not noticed.
Despite multiple friends, family members, and complete strangers informing him that his phone is essentially a mobile lighthouse, Thompson remains blissfully unaware, insisting that “kids these days are glued to their screens” while his own device continues to glow like the Eye of Sauron in his back pocket.
Witnesses claim Thompson first turned on his flashlight Tuesday morning while attempting to “check his emails” with the grace and precision of a T-Rex trying to play the piano. Since then, his pocket has been shining with the intensity of a tactical searchlight, creating a minor public safety hazard.
“He blinded the entire breakfast crowd at Denny’s,” said local waitress Julie Hargrove. “At first we thought the FBI was raiding the place, but no, it was just Rick trying to read his flip phone like it was the Rosetta Stone.”
According to his wife, Linda Thompson, this is “not even close” to the dumbest thing Rick has done with his phone. “Last week, he asked me why his phone battery kept dying so fast. Turns out he had 78 Chrome tabs open, all of them different articles about how millennials don’t know how to work hard.”
The flashlight’s accidental activation has led to several notable incidents, including a group of confused moths following Thompson into a Walgreens, multiple reports of UFO sightings in the neighborhood, and a brief power surge when he leaned too close to his solar-powered garden lights.
When questioned about the matter, Thompson denied any wrongdoing, stating, “I know how to use my own damn phone! These things just don’t make sense sometimes. Back in my day, we didn’t need all these fancy gadgets—just a good old-fashioned sense of direction and a map.”
Thompson then proceeded to pull out an actual paper map, hold it upside down, and attempt to navigate his way to the supermarket, which was across the street.
As of press time, Thompson’s phone was still at 6% battery, and he was last seen angrily asking a Verizon employee why his “data ran out” despite spending the past 24 hours on Facebook arguing about gas prices.
Emergency responders are standing by, prepared for the moment he finally discovers the flashlight is on and suffers a heart attack from the shock.