Following yesterday’s bombshell revelation of Jeffrey Epstein’s unsealed client files, actor Alec Baldwin was reportedly spotted frantically practicing a range of carefully crafted “surprised” facial expressions in the bathroom mirror of his Upper East Side penthouse.
Sources close to Baldwin confirmed the star spent hours perfecting the subtle nuances of shock, disbelief, and righteous indignation. “At first, he went for genuine surprise,” said an anonymous assistant. “Then he pivoted to the ‘angry confusion’ look, classic Baldwin. He’s really taking this seriously.“
The documents, unsealed Tuesday morning by federal prosecutors, casually dropped Baldwin’s name alongside a roster of familiar celebrities, political figures, and one inexplicably famous pizza chef. Baldwin himself addressed reporters on Wednesday, declaring: “I categorically deny ever meeting Epstein—unless of course there are photographs, in which case it was purely accidental and deeply unfortunate.”
He continued passionately: “Look, I barely remember the ’90s, let alone some party island. The closest I ever got to Epstein’s jet was mistakenly boarding Woody Allen’s plane. An honest mistake.”
Meanwhile, social media users wasted no time roasting Baldwin’s frantic PR moves. One user tweeted: “Baldwin getting method for his upcoming role as ‘guy pretending not to have partied with Epstein.’ Oscar incoming!”
In a desperate pivot to reclaim his public image, Baldwin announced he’s releasing a new book titled: “Literally Every Person I’ve Ever Met Was Problematic, Except Me.”
At press time, Baldwin’s publicist was seen polishing the actor’s Wikipedia entry, removing any phrases containing the words “Epstein,” “jet,” or “massage.”
When reached for comment, Baldwin reportedly responded, “Can’t we just go back to talking about the Rust movie thing? That was honestly easier.”
