In a bold move to reel in those who have profited from the recent surge in cryptocurrency prices, the IRS has announced a new policy that requires all Bitcoin investors to bend over and spread their legs. This directive is part of an effort to take a more hands-on approach to ensuring that the government gets a piece of the action as the value of Bitcoin approaches $60,000.
The IRS has long been salivating over the prospect of taxing the profits made by crypto investors, but their previous attempts at seizing a share of the wealth have been met with resistance and a lack of cooperation. However, with the current price of Bitcoin nearing its highest value in years, the taxman is seizing this opportunity to get their hands on some of that sweet, sweet cash.
Under the new policy, all Bitcoin investors are required to submit to a thorough anal examination by IRS agents. The process, which involves the use of a special probing device, will allow the taxman to determine the extent of an individual’s Bitcoin-related profits and ensure that the appropriate amount of taxes is paid.
In addition to the IRS, other government agencies are also getting in on the action. The SEC has announced that they will be conducting random inspections of cryptocurrency traders’ buttholes to ensure compliance with securities laws. Meanwhile, the Department of Labor has stated that they will be monitoring the anuses of workers in the blockchain industry to ensure that they are receiving the minimum wage.
While some have criticized these measures as an invasion of privacy, the IRS is unapologetic in their pursuit of tax revenue. As one spokesperson put it, “We’re just doing our job. If you’ve made money off of Bitcoin, we want a piece of the action. And if that means we have to stick our hands up your ass to get it, then so be it.“
This new policy has already sparked a wave of protests and backlash from the cryptocurrency community. Many investors are outraged at the prospect of having their intimate areas violated by government agents, and some have even threatened to abandon the world of digital currency altogether.
However, with the value of Bitcoin continuing to soar, it remains to be seen whether these protests will have any impact on the IRS’s determination to take a slice of the crypto pie.
In related news, the CDC has issued a warning to the public regarding a new sexually transmitted disease that has been linked to the use of cryptocurrency. Dubbed “Bitcoin Fever,” the disease is said to cause uncontrollable arousal and compulsive trading in affected individuals. While the cause of the disease is still unknown, some experts believe that it may be transmitted through the same probing device used by the IRS in their anal examinations.
As the price of Bitcoin continues to rise, it’s clear that the government is not the only one with their hands in your pocket. With the rise of digital currencies, it seems that our intimate areas are now fair game for anyone looking to cash in on the action.
