Corey Taylor, the Slipknot frontman known for his insightful commentary on everything from the existential dread of existence to the correct method of eating spaghetti, has finally offered his much-anticipated opinion on the shape of the Earth. “It’s complicated, but also, not really,” Taylor elucidated, sparking a global debate that has, quite literally, changed absolutely nothing.
Scientists, who have long believed that the Earth is an oblate spheroid, are now second-guessing centuries of research and exploration. “We thought we had it all figured out,” said a NASA scientist, staring blankly into a solar system model. “But then Corey said, ‘Think about it,’ and now we’re back to square one. Or should I say, sphere one? Or is it a cube? Damn it, Corey.“
Meanwhile, Flat Earthers around the globe (or across the plane, depending on who you ask) have seized upon Taylor’s comments as validation. “When Corey Taylor says, ‘It’s complicated,’ that’s scientific evidence enough for us,” proclaimed a Flat Earth spokesperson, conveniently ignoring the second half of Taylor’s statement. “We’re currently revising all our literature to include the citation: Taylor, C. (2024).“
The education system is in turmoil as well. “Do we include this in geography textbooks? Is it geography? Philosophy? Art?” pondered a visibly distressed school curriculum developer. “And how do we grade students on this? ‘Explain the shape of the Earth as described by Corey Taylor.’ It’s going to be a nightmare.“
Even culinary experts have been caught in the crossfire of Taylor’s profound ambiguity. “I was baking a globe-shaped cake for a geography bee,” said a local baker, “but now I’m thinking of making it shapeless. A formless cake, inspired by the complexities of Corey’s statement. It’ll be a pastry enigma.“
In entertainment, scriptwriters for an upcoming sci-fi blockbuster have scrapped plans for a space exploration epic. “Our whole plot was based on navigating the spherical cosmos,” lamented the lead writer. “But post-Corey, we’re rewriting it to be about a band of misfits exploring an ambiguously shaped universe. It’s metaphorical, really, and infinitely more confusing.“
Even the bar scene hasn’t been spared. A newly popular cocktail named “The Corey Taylor” is described as “a layered drink that’s both flat and not, depending on how you look at it and how much you’ve had to drink. Ingredients? It’s complicated, but also, not really.”
As the world grapples with the existential quandary posed by Taylor’s latest commentary, one thing is clear: the shape of the Earth might be up for debate, but the shape of public discourse certainly has been flattened, folded, and contorted into something wholly unrecognizable. Thanks, Corey.
