In a world where getting jabbed has become the new norm, one local man took “shooting up” to a whole new level. Meet Jerry, a 42-year-old self-proclaimed “health nut” who, in his zealous pursuit of pandemic protection, ended up with a syringe of heroin instead of a COVID-19 vaccine. Talk about a trip down immunity lane!
Jerry’s mix-up occurred at an underground clinic that had all the legitimacy of a back-alley Rolex vendor. The “clinic,” a repurposed ice cream truck adorned with Sharpie-drawn syringes and the words “Get Your Fix of Vax,” was manned by a dude named Spike—clearly, a medical professional who had swapped his white coat for a leather jacket and his Hippocratic Oath for a “Hypodermic Promise.”
As Jerry rolled up his sleeve, eager to do his part in the fight against the virus, Spike administered the “vaccine” with the finesse of a DJ scratching records at a rave. Moments later, Jerry felt a high that no FDA-approved vaccine could induce. He was soaring, alright—soaring into a narcotic nirvana where viruses feared to tread, and the only side effect was an insatiable craving for Cheetos and drum solos.
In an exclusive interview from his newfound home under the overpass, Jerry shared his enlightenment: “Man, I thought I was getting Pfizer, but I got pharma-fried instead. Now, my body is like a temple, but for, like, really chill deities who love tie-dye and hacky sack.“
The local health department has issued a statement urging citizens to visit only reputable vaccination sites, adding, “If your nurse looks like he’s been on tour with The Grateful Dead since ’72, maybe ask to see a medical license.“
Meanwhile, Spike’s “clinic” has vanished, leaving only a faint scent of incense and poor decisions behind. As for Jerry, he’s become a cautionary tale and an unexpected advocate for public health—reminding folks that the only shots you should be getting are from a vial, not a vial-ain.
So, remember citizens, in these trying times, keep your arms open for science, not for substances—lest your COVID shield becomes a heroin shroud. And to Jerry, we say: Get well soon, you accidental junkie, you.
