Hold on to your traditional gender roles, folks, because Auntie Anne’s is kneading out the binary with its latest woke bake: the “Gender Neutral” pretzel. That’s right; in a move that’s half marketing genius and half social justice jamboree, the pretzel powerhouse has decided to go where no snack has gone before: right smack into the middle of the gender spectrum.
Before the keyboard warriors start pounding out their rage on forums and social media, let’s twist this out clearly: Auntie Anne’s isn’t stripping the salt off your classic pretzel or banishing those sinful cinnamon sugar snacks to the depths of binary hell. No, they’re simply making a statement that pretzels, much like people, don’t need to conform to your Aunt Edna’s outdated ideas of gender.
In the press release that’s got everyone’s panties in a pretzel, Auntie Anne’s declared, “Our pretzels are twisted for all. They contain neither yeast nor Y chromosomes. They rise above. They’re doughy delights for the gender non-conforming masses!” And just like that, a pretzel wasn’t just a pretzel anymore—it was a revolutionary symbol of inclusivity, coated in the buttery sheen of progress.
But let’s get to the dough of the matter. What makes these pretzels gender-neutral, you ask? Is it the absence of a phallic shape? A non-binary nomenclature? Nope. It’s the same pretzel you’ve known and loved, but now it’s swimming in the alphabet soup of the 21st century, and it’s here to challenge your preconceived notions of snack identity.
Cue the traditionalists, huffing and puffing about the sanctity of snack gender as if Auntie Anne herself descended from the heavens with two distinct pretzels, one adorned with a cute little bow and the other flexing its doughy muscles. “Back in my day, pretzels didn’t have an agenda,” they’ll cry, shaking their fists at the sky, forgetting that the only agenda a pretzel has is to be devoured faster than their ability to tweet out their indignation.
Meanwhile, the rest of us are salivating at the inclusivity and biting into these warm, twisted treats that are just begging to be dunked into every type of dip imaginable. Because if there’s one thing that can unite us in these divided times, it’s the universal language of pretzels—or should we say, “pret-they-zels.”
So, go ahead, take a bite out of the patriarchy with a pretzel that’s as woke as it is delicious. After all, it’s just a pretzel, folks. And whether you’re male, female, or somewhere gloriously in between, we can all agree on one thing: pretzels are damn good.
Auntie Anne’s, you’ve done it again. You’ve baked up controversy, glazed it in a warm, buttery sheen of satire, and served it with a side of social commentary. Now, let’s all raise a gender-neutral beverage and toast to the future—one where even our snacks are part of the conversation.
It’s official: Auntie Anne’s 1, gender norms 0.