In what could only be described as a heroic feat of culinary daring or the early onset of senility, local granddad Jerry “The Iron Stomach” Henderson has defied all logic and family advice by consuming suspiciously fragrant lettuce, propelling him into a 72-hour psychedelic journey courtesy of Mother Nature’s own bacterial buffet.
The saga began innocuously enough: a family dinner, a questionable head of lettuce, and a warning ignored. “We told him, ‘Grandpa, that lettuce smells funkier than a Woodstock porta-potty,’” recounted granddaughter Becky, still in disbelief. “But he just winked and said, ‘A little bacteria never killed anyone I couldn’t out-wrestle.’“
Now, Jerry is riding high on what experts are calling a “probable bacillus-infused hallucinogenic trip”, turning his living room into a cross between a Grateful Dead concert and a scene from Alice in Wonderland. Reports indicate he’s been seen conversing with his armchair (now affectionately named ‘Chairman Mao’), leading a conga line of garden gnomes through the kitchen, and attempting to broker peace treaties with the neighbor’s aggressively ordinary poodle.
Dr. Emily Stanton, a local physician and part-time fungi enthusiast, weighed in: “What we’re seeing here is a rare case of accidental bio-tripping. While we don’t recommend sourcing your psychedelic experiences from the fridge, it’s hard not to admire the man’s sheer intestinal fortitude.“
Family members have rallied to provide support, hydration, and an eclectic Spotify playlist to guide Jerry through his unexpected voyage. “He’s always been a bit of a rebel,” said his son, Mike. “Last year, he used his hearing aid batteries in the TV remote. The man is unstoppable.“
As day two rolls in, the family remains hopeful that Jerry’s expedition will conclude without incident. In the meantime, they’re documenting the event for what they’re calling “The Grandpa Chronicles: Lettuce Turn the Page.”
As for Jerry, between chats with his new best friend, a lamp named ‘Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds’, he was heard proclaiming, “This is the best darn salad I’ve ever not eaten!“
Neighbors and online spectators alike are holding their breath for the conclusion of what some are already calling the “Lettuce Odyssey of 2023”. One thing is certain: salad will never be viewed the same way at the Henderson household again.
