Wizards of Wall Street, hold onto your broomsticks and get ready for this latest magical mishap: JK Rowling, the literary sorceress who famously penned the trials and tribulations of a certain bespectacled boy wizard, has allegedly performed the most heinous act since the dark days of ‘He Who Must Not Be Paid.’ That’s right, Rowling reportedly refused to pay for her meal at a fancy muggle eatery, claiming the proprietors were under the Imperius Curse of the Dark Lord himself, Voldemort.
In what can only be described as a cauldron-boiling controversy, the acclaimed author was seen dining at the prestigious Le Chaudron Baveur (The Leaky Cauldron’s snooty cousin), where she enjoyed a feast fit for the Great Hall. Eyewitnesses say Rowling ordered the entire left side of the menu, including the house speciality, Phoenix Feather Fricassee, and a round of Butterbeers for her entourage, which suspiciously included a man in a dark cloak who kept hissing at the waitstaff.
But when the bill arrived faster than a Golden Snitch in a Quidditch match, Rowling’s demeanor took a dark turn. Witnesses report she waved her hand dismissively and declared, “The Dark Lord insists these mere muggles shall not profit from his servants,” before attempting to Disapparate, only to smack into the restaurant’s anti-Apparition jinx (also known as the front door).
The restaurant’s owner, a stout man who admittedly bears a passing resemblance to Peter Pettigrew (pre-Wormtail transformation), was reportedly flabbergasted. “I’ve never been so insulted,” he huffed, “not since Lucius Malfoy tried to pay with a bag of Galleons in the middle of a Gringotts strike!“
As the Ministry of Magic’s Aurors (and their No-Maj equivalent, the local police) investigate the matter, the wizarding world is left wondering if Rowling’s recent behavior indicates a new allegiance to the dark arts of dining and dashing. Is she standing up to the unseen forces of He-Who-Must-Be-Billing, or has the Galleon finally dropped, and the creator of the Boy Who Lived morphed into the Dame Who Dined and Ditched?
One thing’s for sure: the next chapter in JK Rowling’s saga might be written in the court of public opinion, where she’ll face not the Wizengamot but a jury of X trolls and hashtag-happy muggles.
