Ah, musical snobbery, the unsung hero we never knew we needed. You see, folks, we’ve reached a point of no return, a cacophonous quagmire where the Nickelbacks and Creeds of the world proliferate like rabbits in heat. Not to rag on them too hard, scratch that. Let’s rag on them. If gatekeeping had been a thing, we’d all have been spared the grating post-grunge crooning that somehow passes for music.
So, yes, you heard me right. I’m advocating for musical elitism, ensuring we never have to endure another “Photograph” or “With Arms Wide Open.” It’s not about being a snob; it’s about self-preservation, people!
SoundCloud, TikTok—I’m looking at you. You’re the Petri dishes cultivating the next generation of aural atrocities. You allow any Kyle with a pirated copy of FL Studio to unleash his “unique” brand of dubstep upon the world. Unchecked, we’re one algorithm away from Skrillex 2.0—now with more bass drops and even less subtlety!
But let’s get down to brass tacks. How do we implement gatekeeping as stringent as a bouncer at an exclusive New York City club? Simple. Let’s bring back the Industry Gandalfs—the A&R reps with ears so finely tuned they can hear a pin drop in a mosh pit. Their mission? To screen out the Creeds before they even step into a recording studio.
Step one: Mandatory auditions. And no, not the America’s Got Talent kind. I mean a panel of experts who’ve been in the game long enough to know a hit from a shit. Think Simon Cowell, but with better hair and less snark.
Step two: Genre-specific gatekeepers. Let’s face it: not all musical sins are created equal. We need aficionados who can prevent the next Nickelback in rock, the next Pitbull in rap, and the next—God forbid—Skrillex in electronic music.
Step three: Public shaming. Okay, maybe that’s a bit harsh, but a little social pressure never hurt anyone, right? If you pass the gatekeepers and still produce garbage, prepare to be roasted harder than a marshmallow at a scout campfire.
The bottom line is we can’t afford to be democratic about this. Music isn’t “for the people, by the people.” It’s for the people, by the talented. And if that means putting up a velvet rope and donning a snooty expression, then so be it.
So let’s do ourselves a favor and bring back musical snobbery. It’s not just a preference; it’s a public service. And for the love of all things auditory, let’s ensure that the next Nickelback never happens. You’re welcome, future generations.
