Ah, small businesses, the backbone of America. The quaint little shops where dreams are packaged into home-baked goods and hand-knit scarves. Enter Mr. Least—the twisted, moustache-twirling evil twin of Mr. Beast—and suddenly, those dreams are crumbling faster than a stale muffin.
Picture this: Mr. Beast blesses a struggling pizzeria with a surprise $50,000 tip. The internet swoons, tears flow, and it’s all rainbows and unicorns. Cut to Mr. Least, who’s got a different kind of tip for ya. He buys the same pizzeria, bulldozes it, and then throws a “Going Out of Business Forever” party. Confetti rains down as the rubble settles, and Mr. Least dances on the ruins like a man possessed.
His latest campaign is, dare we say it, a masterpiece of malevolence. He calls it “Bye Local,” a twisted play on the “buy local” movement that’s got everyone from hipsters to grandmas buzzing. “Why sustain when you can destroy? That’s my motto,” Mr Least smirks, revealing a gold tooth engraved with the word “Ruin.”
The premise is simple: He buys small businesses, from mom-and-pop stores to independent cafes. But instead of turning them around or looting them, he does the unthinkable. He demolishes them, live-streaming the wreckage to an equally horrified and fascinated audience. “Some men just want to watch the world churn,” he cackles as a beloved bookstore meets its doom.
Forget “Support Your Local Businesses”—Mr. Least’s shirts read “Dismantle Your Local Businesses,” and they’re selling like hotcakes. Ironic, isn’t it? He’s profiting off the downfall of the very essence of the American Dream. And here’s the kicker: He uses the profits to buy more local businesses to destroy. It’s a never-ending cycle of entrepreneurial annihilation!
“Bye, local!” he snickers, waving a maniacal goodbye to the sobbing owners of a recently crushed organic juice bar. “Hope you juiced every last drop out of this opportunity ’cause it’s pulp now!“
So, what’s the world to do with a man hell-bent on ripping the soul out of every community he touches? Boycott? Demonize? Nah, Mr. Least thrives on your hate. He eats your Twitter outrage for breakfast, which only strengthens him.
And for those wondering what Mr. Beast thinks of all this, he’s baffled. “How can someone be so—so leastly?” he tweeted, probably while giving away a house to a random subscriber or something equally saintly.
Mr Least’s reply? “Least I could do.“
As the dust settles and another “Bye Local” live stream ends, one thing’s for sure: Mr. Least is redefining what it means to be a villain in the digital age. He’s not just a bad guy; he’s the CEO of bad guys, and business is booming.
So the next time you see a quaint little shop with a “For Sale” sign, don’t be too quick to dream of its revival. Because in the merciless world of Mr. Least, “For Sale” might mean “Farewell.”