Buckle up, emo kids and metalcore enthusiasts! The genre that once gave you the perfect soundtrack for your teen angst is evolving, and it’s more soul-crushing than ever. Meet “Eternal Internal Screams,” the band who decided to give metalcore a 401(k) and a desk job. They’ve unleashed a groundbreaking sub-genre they proudly call “Middle-Management Metal.”
Why the genre shift, you ask? Let’s hear it from their frontman, “Existential Eric.” “Screaming about existential despair is so last decade. We wanted to tackle the real demons—like Carol from accounting who steals your almond milk.” He stops to adjust his black-rimmed glasses, a perfect blend of corporate and emo.
Their latest album, “Soul-Crushing Synergy,” is a cacophony of breakdowns and blast beats set to the lyrical themes of office politics and workplace drudgery. Highlight tracks include “Open Floor Plan Hell,” “Death by Team Building,” and the chart-topping ballad “Backstabbing for Dummies.”
The band’s drummer, “Spreadsheet Steve,” has also gotten creative with his percussion set-up, incorporating unconventional “instruments” like a ream of printer paper and a keyboard (the typing kind, not the musical one). “Forget double-kick pedals,” he says with a smirk. “Have you ever tried a drum fill using the gut-wrenching sound of a jammed printer? It’s the stuff of nightmares.“
What’s been the reception? Critics are baffled but intrigued. Metal purists claim it’s the end of an era, while others hail it as the birth of a genre that speaks to the true existential plight: the mind-numbing cycle of quarterly reports and annual reviews. And don’t even get them started on the Kafkaesque horror of ‘Reply-All’ email threads.
The fan base is expanding in unexpected ways, too. “Eternal Internal Screams” is now the darling of office workers who’ve traded in their band tees for button-down shirts but can’t let go of that simmering need to rebel. Greg, a 45-year-old project manager, gushes, “It’s like they peeked into my soul, saw the endless Zoom meetings, and said, ‘Let’s make that into a sick breakdown.’“
In a world where metalcore bands compete to express the most extreme forms of human agony, “Eternal Internal Screams” has tapped into an uncharted abyss: the horror of the mundane. As Existential Eric screams in their latest single, “Infinite Inboxes”: “I sold my soul, not to the devil, but to corporate!“
Will Middle-Management Metal pave the way for future bands to explore the anguishing depths of adult responsibilities? Time will tell. But for now, if you’re looking to headbang to the crippling weight of your daily grind, “Eternal Internal Screams” has the mosh pit for you. Just remember to clock out first.
