Oh boy, remember when Ashton Kutcher looked up to Danny Masterson? You know, the good ol’ days when they starred together on That ’70s Show, and Ashton thought Danny was the bee’s knees? Welp, that’s all gone to shit. Danny Masterson, the once-adored “life coach” to Ashton, is now sentenced to 30 years in the clinker for rape. Yeah, you read that right. Three decades. That’s longer than most TikTok influencers have been alive.
Danny rose to stardom as the cocky, womanizing Hyde on That ’70s Show. But, oh man, did he take a nosedive harder than a skateboarder trying to land a 1080 spin on a half-pipe. Masterson’s been found guilty of more charges than a Tesla at a Supercharger station. I’m talking rape, coercion, drugging—this guy was practically a one-man crime wave!
Ever the naïve Midwesterner, Ashton Kutcher, bought into Danny’s “life coach” shtick like a hipster buys organic kombucha. “The man had charisma,” says a fictional relationship expert, Dr. Beverly Thompson. “It’s like he had a PhD in B.S., and Ashton was his willing disciple.” That charisma turned out to be the sparkle on a turd, a façade as fake as a Hollywood smile.
The courtroom scene was juicier than a medium-rare steak at a Texas BBQ joint. When the judge read out the sentence, Masterson looked like he’d just seen the ghost of his career. Ashton’s beloved idol was sentenced to 30 years in prison. Talk about a bromance gone wrong!
Where does Ashton go from here? Good question. Maybe he’ll start listening to Tony Robbins or get into crystals. Anything’s better than taking advice from a guy who will be trading his Gucci loafers for prison-issued flip-flops.
Thirty years is a long time. By the time he’s out, we’ll probably be driving flying cars and arguing with our robot butlers. As for Masterson, he’ll likely spend his days crafting toilet wine and offering “life coaching” to his cellmates.
In the words of criminal psychologist Dr. Paul Williams, “When your role model turns out to be a scumbag, it’s like finding out Santa Claus is actually a burglar. It shakes your world, man.“
So there you have it, kids. Let this be a lesson in why you should never take life advice from a Hollywood star. You never know if they’re a rapist or not.
