Ah, the British Royal Family! A symbol of dignity, grace, and—wait for it—proper pee etiquette? You read that right, folks. Rumors are swirling faster than a toilet flush that Prince Harry, the ginger playboy turned doting dad, has allegedly started wiping after he pees. Yeah, he’s now a wiper! And who’s the prime suspect behind this audacious act of hygiene? None other than Meghan Markle.
“Come on, Harry! Real men drip dry!” That’s the collective cry from every British pub where the beer flows, but apparently, the pee doesn’t. We’re all asking: How did Harry, the Apache-helicopter-flying, polo-playing Royal, end up in this pissy situation? According to Twitter’s keyboard warriors, the answer is as clear as Meghan Markle’s skincare routine. The “Suits” actress turned Duchess of Wipe-Your-Wee is supposedly the mastermind behind Harry’s newfound bathroom behavior.
Now, let’s talk balls and court. It’s been a hot minute since Meghan and Harry ditched their Royal duties and escaped to California—land of kale smoothies and therapy dogs. But did Meghan also bring along her Yankee bathroom habits? Sources say she’s been spotted bulk-buying toilet paper like liquid gold at Costco. Could she be indoctrinating Harry into the elite club of American wipers?
Hold your horses—or should I say, your urine—because it gets crazier! A “close friend” of the couple claims Meghan installed a Japanese-style bidet in their Montecito mansion. Yeah, you heard me. A bidet with more buttons than the cockpit of Harry’s Apache. If that’s not toilet tampering, I don’t know what is!
So what’s next? Are we going to hear that Harry now sits down to pee? That would send the British tabloids into a massive meltdown than when they found out the Queen likes gin with her tea. And imagine if Prince Charles adopts the wipe policy! The Royal Family would have to change their crest to a roll of Charmin Ultra.
But let’s flip the lid for a second. Is wiping after peeing such a bad thing? Maybe it’s an act of modern chivalry, a nod to gender equality! If Meghan Markle can make Prince Harry a feminist one swipe at a time, then so be it.
The bottom line is we’re living in a world where Prince Harry wiping his royal jewels is headline news. So, for the love of God, someone get the man a sponsorship deal with Charmin or Andrex. At least then, we can finally say the Royals are relatable—as relatable as a bunch of people living in palaces can be.
So here’s my take: Let Harry wipe or drip or whatever the hell he wants. It’s a free country—unless you’re in Buckingham Palace. And for those clutching their pearls and drafting their angry tweets, remember: a prince who wipes is still more royal than a commoner who doesn’t. So wipe on, Harry, wipe on.
