Renowned political commentator Ben Shapiro’s sperm have been found leaning to the right. Literally, and if that’s not enough, they’ve taken to chanting “facts don’t care about your feelings” as they swim.
You read that right. While most of us worry about our political beliefs leaning one way or another, Mr Shapiro’s sperm have taken the concept of political alignment to a whole new level. Dr. Hugh Morus, an expert in politically inclined biological phenomena, made the seminal discovery.
“I’ve never seen anything like it!” exclaimed Dr. Morus, barely containing his laughter. “Usually, sperm just swim around, minding their own business. But these guys? They’re having full-on debates, quoting Friedrich Hayek, and demanding a flat tax rate.“
In a beautifully choreographed display of conservative ideology, each sperm was observed executing a precise right turn as though guided by the free market’s invisible hand. Furthermore, they were heard engaging in spirited discussions about limited government, individual liberty, and the importance of a strong national defense.
The story became even more bizarre when one particularly vocal sperm, self-identifying as “Ben Jr.,” held an impromptu press conference at the edge of the petri dish.
“Look, folks, it’s simple economics,” said Ben Jr., with a tiny but noticeable smirk. “We believe in the power of personal responsibility, hard work, and family values. And if you think that’s nuts, well, we literally come from one!“
The discovery has ignited a firestorm of reactions from both sides of the political spectrum. While conservatives have praised Shapiro’s sperm for their steadfast commitment to principles, liberals have questioned the authenticity of the findings.
“I mean, come on, sperm with political beliefs?” scoffed political pundit Libby Rahl. “Next, they’ll be telling us that Donald Trump’s hair has filed for independent statehood.“
In response to the uproar, Ben Shapiro himself has remained characteristically unflappable. “Well, I always said I was right-leaning,” he quipped. “Guess it runs in the family.“
Though the findings are still under review, they’ve already inspired a series of late-night comedy sketches, memes, and a proposed reality show titled “The Right-Swimming Bachelor.”
And in a final twist that no one saw coming, the sperm have reportedly formed a Super PAC, aptly named “The Seminal Conservatives,” with plans to run for office in the next election cycle.
So, in the immortal words of Ben Shapiro’s sperm: “Let’s swim, gang. We’ve got a country to save!“
