New Zealand has stripped singer Lorde of her citizenship after she publicly declared that the Lord of the Rings movies are “absolute rubbish.” In a desperate attempt to salvage their national identity, the Kiwi government has branded Lorde a traitor, now referring to her only as “She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.”
The fiasco began when Lorde, in a fit of reckless abandon, tweeted, “Just rewatched Lord of the Rings and it’s honestly the worst fucking movie ever. #SorryNotSorry.” The tweet was met with a firestorm of responses from outraged New Zealanders who consider the film series a national treasure.
Prime Minister Chris Hipkins, facing immense pressure from the public, convened an emergency meeting of Parliament to address the situation. In a tearful address, Hipkins stated, “It is with a heavy heart that I must announce the revocation of Lorde’s citizenship. We, as a nation, cannot stand idly by while our most iconic film series is dragged through the mud by one of our own.“
The move has sparked heated debate, with some praising the government’s swift action while others question whether the punishment is too severe. Barry, a sheep farmer from Christchurch, praised the decision, saying, “It’s about bloody time! She’s been a thorn in our side since she started singing about tennis courts and driving Cadillacs in her dreams. Good riddance!“
On the other hand, Helen, a barista from Wellington, expressed her concern for the singer’s future: “I mean, I love Lord of the Rings as much as the next Kiwi, but this seems a bit extreme, doesn’t it? What’s she going to do now? Join the cast of Neighbours in Australia?“
As Lorde’s exile begins, the New Zealand government has announced a nationwide campaign to reaffirm the country’s love for the Lord of the Rings. The initiative, dubbed “One Country to Rule Them All,” will include mandatory screenings of the trilogy, a ban on negative reviews, and a new law requiring all newborns to be named after characters from the series.
In response to the news, Lorde has released a statement through her publicist, saying, “I’m sorry if my opinion has caused any distress, but I stand by it. I guess I’ll just have to find a new homeland where they appreciate my hot takes on overrated movies.“
As the dust settles on this controversy, it remains to be seen whether New Zealand’s drastic measures will serve to protect its precious cinematic legacy or merely expose the fragile underbelly of a nation’s identity. One thing is for sure: Lorde’s days of being a proud Kiwi are well and truly over.
