The makers of Axe body spray have long kept a secret from American consumers, leaving them in the dark to bask in the intoxicating fumes of prepubescent desperation blindly. Recent investigations have exposed their long-held clandestine agenda: to seduce the nation’s youth into enlisting in the military by flooding the market with the unmistakable aroma of jingoism.
For nearly two decades, Axe has been marketed as a “guy’s best friend,” promising legions of adolescents and young men irresistible confidence and an implied harem of adoring women. Its target audience, however, has long been the subject of a secret, undisclosed partnership with the United States Armed Forces.
Unbeknownst to the general public, the combination of these two behemoths has led to a covert operation centred around a carefully crafted and meticulously tested fragrance blend— one that imbues impressionable noses with the seductive scent of allegiance to their country.
Numerous classified laboratory trials funded by the Department of Defense have revealed a previously unrecorded olfactory phenomenon. The research suggests that specific combinations of volatile organic compounds and pheromones found within Axe’s chemical arsenal can trigger an overwhelming feeling of patriotic devotion, akin to the psychological tug experienced during a particularly resounding rendition of the national anthem.
To spread this almost magical concoction in aerosol form, Axe has employed a vast underground network of public bathroom attendants, crossed with high school and college gym locker room custodians, to maintain an adequate supply of the product anywhere young men may gather. The large fanbase of Axe’s distinctive odor ranges from local watering holes to the hallowed halls of higher learning, with the alleged goal of subtly persuading America’s youth to exchange their Axe-laden hoodies for dress uniforms.
Taking a page from the old-fashioned door-to-door salesmen and telemarketers, Axe has strategically rolled out a variety of limited-edition scents meant to target different military branches specifically. The most notable example is their “Blue Angels”-themed body spray, which they claim will transform its wearer into a “human F-18”,— allowing them to soar through the skies of life, unburdened by the inconvenient fact that human bodies cannot, in reality, produce jet propulsion.
According to a whistleblower formerly employed by Axe, the masterminds behind the convoluted scheme have tracked the exponential spike in military enlistment rates since the introduction of the brand in the early 2000s. Causation or mere coincidence? In the murky world of body spray-influenced decision-making, anything seems possible.
However absurd it might seem, this secret partnership between Axe body spray and the United States military only serves to remind the public that the promises of instant popularity, success, and even romantic conquests are merely the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the devious depths at which American consumerism and national pride are entwined.