Hunkered down in his basement lair, surrounded by an assortment of waifu body pillows, 32-year-old self-proclaimed involuntary celibate (incel) Kevin McMasterson has embarked on an intrepid scientific quest to figure out the mystery of womanhood. Unsurprisingly, Kevin has yet to uncover the secret to losing his virginity or interacting successfully with half of the human population.
“This journey began months ago when my anime posters started to talk back to me, revealing they have feelings too – I mean, obviously,” explained Kevin, as he sipped from his “Lonely, But Angry” mug. “If my waifus could be this complex and express emotions, I started to wonder if real-life women could too. This led me to the groundbreaking question: what even is a woman?“
With a lack of formal education in biology, psychology, or sociology, Kevin has taken it upon himself to employ his self-taught internet expertise to coax any woman he crosses paths with into conversation. This has resulted in a 100% failure rate, as evidenced by a “Femoid Encounters” spreadsheet that meticulously tracks each dismal interaction.
“Women seem to be some sort of NPC character in real life; they don’t even engage with me when I wear my fedora and perfectly execute a bow while addressing them as ‘m’lady,'” Kevin lamented, attempting to overcome the crushing weight of his own self-pity. “Are they even real? It’s a question that plagues my thoughts at all hours.”
Despite his indefatigable pursuit of the elusive female species, Kevin has yet to find tangible proof that women are human. “Talking to people who have interacted with women doesn’t help either – they all just tell me to ‘Be normal, dude,’” revealed the intrepid researcher. “It’s like they’re part of some secret club hiding the truth from me. It’s an enigma wrapped in a conspiracy.“
Undeterred by the countless dead ends he’s encountered thus far, Kevin presses on in his quest, guided by an unwavering belief that one day, he will succeed in decoding the confounding riddle of women. In his latest brainstorming session, surrounded by mountainous stacks of obscure manga, he formulated a new hypothesis that could bring him closer to the truth: do women exist in the fourth dimension?
Scoffing at the thought of therapy or basic self-help books, Kevin concluded, “I will unravel this mystery using only the most sophisticated analysis – a combination of 4chan threads, red-pill vlogs, and my extensive collection of magical girl anime. There’s no challenge I can’t overcome with this team behind me.“
As the sun sets on yet another day of tireless research, the world awaits with bated breath the development of Kevin McMasterson, the human embodiment of a botched Turing test, as his noble attempt at answering the age-old question: what is a woman?
